12.2.12

There are two things I know for sure... as I typed this I immediately thought of the song "Butterfly Kisses"... However, I am not reciting lyrics... Instead : 1. I CAN do things that are outside my comfort zone and 2. I still need A LOT of work on dealing with silence!!! Or the put your phone down.. I'm proud I didn't really go online too much...

Before the retreat, I was going through the motions of life, the foundation of everything was fear.  I did what I needed to do..... but mostly I would see the train coming from the next town and begin to slow down prior to getting near the tracks.... not because the train is here, but because I know it's coming...  Likewise once I make up my mind, it's set.. I dive into the pool without looking at how deep the water is.  

Just going to the retreat (especially after receiving some pretty strong guilt trips from my children) to sitting in a car with four women (three of which I did not know) to playing ping pong in front of people, to talking to women my own age, to sitting at different spots (away from the people I knew) both at meals and during groups, to walking in a cemetery looking for someone specific (for an hour and half).. to eating three meals a day (plus desserts) to eating different food that normally I would just skip a meal rather than trying, these are only some of the amazing things, I did this weekend.

Although when everyone else went to bed and I was forced into silence... Eeehh not so enjoyable :-) It was a lot of getting to know many new people (and getting to know more in depth the people I have come to admire and have a profound respect)  and to really understand what I need to do for this year.  Last year, was the year of change and this year, it's the year of adapting.  I have always known things but now I was forced to see what it is doing to me... and how I take myself for granted.

I was especially grateful to Pastor Beth for running the retreat.  Yes, it was so sad to hear the original leader could not lead us, because of Sandy.  However, it provided an opportunity for Pastor Beth to lead us and for Pastor Mary the time she needed to rest. It was really good to hear another female Lutheran Pastor and to get to know them both in a way that only this could provide. Pastor Beth gave many great questions to explore and reflect on.  The interaction with many woman was a real honor and blessing.  There was one woman whom was paired with me for the lovely questions that were uncomfortable to say the least.. She did not like that I could not come up with two things (positives) I finally said strength and then she wanted to know what others might say about me.. I said someone just said I went through this past year with Grace and quickly I stated, I did not agree with that tho.  She really was sweet but pretty direct about not living my life in this manner.. and yes, I know this and yes, MANY people tell me this.. but sitting in the room and trying to "escape" wasn't there... I started to listen to it in my own voice then we were asked to think of one person in our life that we take for granted and the one thing they give... Well it became VERY clear that I take myself for granted.  I can give myself a truly happy life, if I stop being my own obstacle.  

Another conversation consisted of thinking of the person in your family with the most influence... I could not think about this with anyone else... and we did not "have" to... (I was really happy about this).  So instead of turning and talking to someone, I closed my eyes and put my head down.  I really could not pick any ONE person.. I know that the event of my mother's death was an influence, but MANY people have influenced me in a positive and negative matter...  This made me think of my mom.  I started to just think about her and miss her.  I began to hear more talking and so I opened my eyes and while I was staring down at the floor, I saw this...... 
What do you see????  *I will post tomorrow my response..

Last night, we watched "Pay it Forward", many people do not know what it means... the concept is if someone does something nice for you, you then in turn help three people... I cried all through the movie (and I have seen it) and left before the ending.  This morning during peace the same person from earlier came to me and said "I hope I did not upset you".. I said NO, but I should tell you... I needed to hear it.. because I finally listened to it.  I left this retreat feeling I finally am ready to embrace myself.. and I am PROUD of me.

Wishing you all a Marvelous Monday!  Tomorrow I continue the going outside the box and I accepted a job at a school (I am not even sure I know how to get there)... but I can do it and am excited!!!!