1.31.13

When I was a senior in HS, 18 years ago...my humanities class required us to have someone write our Eulogy.  Yes, of course I  still remember this.  Sitting here tonight. I thought about If you were not given the chance to awaken tomorrow, what would people say about you? I stopped to look through some high school memories ... reading poems and cards and looking at pictures warmed my heart.  The truth of the matter is... it's been an unbelievably difficult few days and sometimes I feel like I just can't do it.  And that is when the Holy Spirit put her hand on me... I received an email from Jordan's in class support (also team leader)... as there was confusion about a knighting possibility (a ceremony in his school)... This was days ago... so to receive an email tonight...when I was feeling so defeated... really was awesome.... I am going to share what it said because really if I die tonight... this is all that matters.  

"I explained to Jordan that if he keeps up the good work through 3rd marking
period, he could possibly be knighted. He has been doing a great job and is a
pleasure in all of his classes. We are all so impressed and he is such a smart
kid and truly a nice person. Whatever you are doing at home, it is really
paying off!" SL

1.30.13

I choose to think about the "silver lining".....today was about celebrating life.  The life that God has given us.  Each day we are given a chance to live in way that will Glorify Him, how we choose to live.... that is up to us.
On Sunday, I was asked to do something and without hesitation... I said no problem.  It wasn't until Monday afternoon that I realized what this really meant for me.  I put the situation first.... Yesterday, I started to think about the situation and internalize what it meant to me, it was definitely a VERY BIG deal.  It made me think more and more about my mom.  This morning, I "confessed" to someone the fears I had about what I was about to do.  She knew what I meant and said I didn't have to do it.  My response... it's time to grow up, I was not backing out.

It was incredibly difficult to watch and listen! There were moments when words were said that made me think even more of my mom and I become emotional.   Today was one of those days... that I wonder how I will get through it, then I think of amazing women in my life and think I can do this, I can be half the women they are and make it through...

Although I have gone to "viewings", "wakes", and "memorials" I do not believe I have even sat in on a full funeral since 1987, till today.  Not only was I ushering a funeral, I stood by the casket while one side of the church received Communion.  Internal struggles, always make the accomplishment mean more.

1.29.13

Thankful I was given this day...and I pray to be given another chance to do even better tomorrow.  As the day approaches, it has made me think even more and more of you.    How I long to have you here (more than in my heart).  To teach me the simplest of things and to help me through the roughest of moments and most of all to give my children their grandmother.  I know there is disappointment, and I am sorry. I wish that before I see you again, I am able to make you proud again.

1.28.13

Today I was a floater.. running all day from one teacher to the next to cover meetings.. I did not mind, I was flexible when the schedule changed and I was pleasant.  Afterward, I ran and got something for a sick friend and picked up laundry for the nuns. When I dropped off the laundry... I was told to stop running, go home and relax that I would get sick running around so much.  The truth of the matter is.. I do better when I am running.  I would much prefer helping others than not. As I left there I received a text message from PM, Once again the Holy Spirit (THANK YOU) was doing her best....  For as the nun told me.. to slow down and stop running around so quickly.. Had I not received the text.. I would have gone a lot quicker to pick up my son, as I was running behind... but because I received the text message I did not pull out of the driveway, racing to the school, I answered the text and thus slowed down..

Sometimes prayers are answered in a way you do not expect.  Sometimes the message is slapped in front of you, so you cannot miss it...  EITHER way... the answers are there... just have to be open to receive it.  - I am trying to remember this as I try to figure out what and how to proceed with my employment search.

1.26.13

Tonight we were asked why some people feel they cannot say how they feel.. There are many times I feel this.  In a group whether large or small....a group of my peers some how I lose my voice... Anyone who knows me.. may laugh at that image.. me not saying what I think or how I feel... but it's true.   Put me a in a group and sometimes the most I will say is my name. Why does this occur, I'm not sure.  Sometimes it's because it takes a while to take it all in and process it... other times, it's that comfort level... and why I can say this blog over these months has helped to make things sometimes more clear.
It has been noticed that I have not posted more than prayer requests and my blog on FB and that my blog recently has mostly been prayers.  It's not that I am not grateful... this has just been an exhausting week and sometimes when I try to write the only thing I can say is a prayer.
As tonight came to an end.. I thought about what I would write and remembered as someone said... I do not have to do it every night... I am so grateful to the  friendship and fellowship that allowed me to be an adult and to laugh tonight.  Thank you to Pastor Beth for an enjoyable conversation and to JJ for making my face hurt from laughing so hard...

1.25.13

Dear Heavenly Father,

You are amazing and I am so blessed to have you in my life.  I am grateful, I know I could do better.  I promise to try harder tomorrow.

Amen

1.24.13

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please welcome Jim with open arms and comfort his family and friends.  Please help those that fears came true heal in knowing he is now seated with you.  May Jessica and her family begin to feel this comfort as they prepare to say goodbye to her grandmother, Edith as well... May the hospice workers provide her the comfort she deserves.  As my neighbor Pat begins a tough road, may she and her husband come to an agreement on treatment and may the doctors who perform the desired treatment be blessed.  May Paula and her daughters, Alison and Stacy have peace during her LONG recovery. May Robin begin to make the decisions and take the steps required to find Peace, a new job and move forward.  Please help Kelly to acquire HER voice in all of what she wants and help her mother to take a step back and allow her daughter be the adult she is and plan exactly what she wants.  I also ask that you keep Jordan and Mackenzie close in your embrace.  As they are both experiencing some pretty rocky days... May the new medication help Jordan to sleep and feel better....and may they both feel the love of their Heavenly Father along with my love and help them to get through the upcoming struggles.  

Amen

1.23.13

As great as it is to want to model your life after those you admire, God wants you to be____________ not _________________, there is already one of them.... THANK YOU Holy Spirit and Pastor Mary for this reminder...
Lots to think about, perhaps tomorrow.

1.22.13

We are provided with so much, if we open our eyes and accept what is given to us.

1.21.13

The old age question remains... Is it better to have never had than to have had something and lose it?  Never having it, would you feel the same as someone with whom had then lost it? Having never had done something, is that where people find regret as part of their lives? I have tasted the feast and though it is sweet... It is not filling enough and I must walk away. "The sign of God is that we will be led where we did not plan to go."
Responsibility comes above all else.  Happiness and Fun can and shall be found in any "work" I am blessed to find.  If teaching at this time is not what is meant to be.. then I shall listen and do as I am told, just as the servants did... My jug will be filled with many possibilities if I only allow it.  For this I do have Faith and thank YOU for answering that question and providing the clarity.
Today is my dear friend's birthday and she was blessed enough to be with her family all day for two days... I am grateful she had that time... especially after this past year.... the  true love of family is amazing... Although not a fan of snow.. it is a magical sight... I hope she enjoys the smiles her children have looking out the window... May we all enjoy the beautiful snowfall and look at the "newness" it provides to the landscape around us.

1.20.13

I tried so hard this morning not to yell at an overly tired 11 yr. child, nor did I give in to the emotional "maybe I should just stay home" rant.. I was even more nervous when I heard, "she went to bed at 10, but I let her sleep till 8:30"  I knew it was sure to be a rough start... especially when she realized she was not headed to Church before Sunday School (she had an emotional breakdown herself).  It was an awesome (yet frustrating) moment... Even tho she cannot sit still and perhaps displays horrible behavior, she enjoys going.  So of course like any good parent, I video taped her telling me why she was crying... for later on during the teenager years in case I need something to remind her of why I will have her attend Service with me... much like the moment I had with her brother before picking her up.

The quote was posted on Facebook from Positive Inspirational Quotes and I could not think of a better thing to post with a picture of me serving our Lord.  A friend said this is becoming a habit and I responded I know weird right... and her response "I wouldn't choose weird to describe it more like wonderful.  I bet Pastor Mary can't get over it..." I simply said, "I do not know what she thinks, this is the first time I am serving w/ her".
It is even more aw-inspiring to be up at the Altar with her.  I thought about my Catholic upbringing and how you would not see three women standing there in white. Another thing that came to mind was watching my son sitting down with the other children talking with Pastor Mary about the Gospel today.  It is truly amazing to hear the difference between last night speaking to the congregation as a whole and then today speaking with the children.  Yes all the same concepts, but shows just how awesome she relates to every age group.  Speaking about weddings and talking about how two people come together before God and pledge to unite till death, was really difficult to hear especially to have eyes locked with my son.  Thinking back to sitting as a child, I remembered the horrible feelings I had sitting in Church and feeling like everything you said or did was being scrutinized.   I wondered if he would say something to me after service.  He has not as of yet, but with him it could be a few days.  Had I been in my old Church, I would have felt like the Priest was speaking directly to me in a manner of you should be ashamed with yourself for not doing as you promised... I found great comfort in knowing that Pastor Mary was not.
Although I am no longer married, I believe I am doing what He asked of me, to bring his children to him.  Bringing the three of us to HT and inviting Him into our hearts and daily lives.  So remember as the week begins, "Do what He tells you to do...."  Although things are stressful and sometimes I just do not know how I am going to do something... I am going to remember, the empty jar is really filled to the brim with the best He can offer.....
Dear Heavenly Father,
In all your Greatness, please Bless those who are coming before you to pledge their lives till death and to those who had many years ago.  See the wisdom in the those who were unable to fulfill that promise made before you.  Please keep watch over Lee and Grady and those who are ill and especially give those family member unable to be with them some Peace in knowing you are with them.
Amen

1.19.13

A friend asked me tonight "When are things not going to be so sucky?" Many people have been asking this lately.  Yes, sometimes I question when will things be different.. but really when will things change? When we do something about it.  Tonight I listened to 16 other people talk about Healing the Heart of Democracy by Parker J. Palmer.  Putting aside personal beliefs (VERY DIFFICULT) and listening to each other there were common threads... we cannot change unless:
1. We are willing to listen to each party and actually HEAR what they are saying.
2. We WORK together taking from each party and coming to a happy medium.
3. We get rid of the money behind politics, and perhaps bring morals back in.....
For me, figuring out what to do while still staying true to what I want to do (teach) and keeping my children's well being as number one is the true test.   Above all, I know that I have FAITH that things will get better... for I am not alone...
For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.-psalm 91 11-12

Dear Heavenly Father,
You are the Most High and I truly believe you will command Your angels to watch over us.  Please guard and protect especially Lee and Grady and their loved ones.  Please help Carol's phone to ring, Stacy's computer to provide all she needs, Robin and me to find employment and peace within our walls at home.  May we all remember to Thank you and to live each day to Glorify Your name.  
Amen

1.18.13

Exactly one year ago, I heard a voice... a very loud voice.  This voice had never been heard before this moment.... it was my own voice, screaming inside about what I no longer wanted and what I was going to do.  Although today is filled with emotions and feelings, it was what I wanted, and I followed through .  It is not easy (no life ever should) but I am doing it, some moments are better than others.
This morning as I sat in a quiet classroom, the sun seemed to have disappeared.  I looked out the window and this is what I saw.  As I looked at it, I realized that no matter how dark today was (emotions and feelings from the past) there IS a glimmer of light.... knowing I am not alone.  "The dawn from on high will break upon us"---- If we allow it.
Dear Heavenly Father,
I ask that tonight as always we keep those who need you the most in your prayers... Especially Lee who is in the hospital and for those who are caring for him and those who are worrying about him.. Please look after his wife, his children and his grandchildren...
Amen

1.17.13

Dear Heavenly Father,
You are the Most High so Gracious and Amazing.  I pray that I will continue to feel your embrace, now and always.
Amen

1.16.13

At the end of the day... we never know what will be our final conversation with someone.  You never know what will be the final moment.... This is the THEME for today.. Starting with Pastor Mary's Sermon about how we need to live life to the fullest... As you remove a marble... you just never know...as we never know when that jar of marbles will be empty, to Pastor Beth talking about the Last Supper.
In between having a conversation about feeling the "anniversaries" of last year's events.  Either way, listening and hearing it all.  There will always be moments that I think about and wonder if it were different ( the last conversation I had with my mother), would I feel differently? Tonight I heard again an amazing story of the final moments a woman shared with her mother, it's what  I hope  for everyone- to be present and there during the final moments (if this is what you want).  For those who never had that opportunity, it is ever lasting.
In living each day to the fullest, do you live it in a way that will leave a story about you? I mean do you think about what others think or say about you? Are you capable of understanding how you impact people on a daily basis? How do you choose to treat those you come into contact with? It has been said to live a fulfilled life, No matter for whom or what history you share, treat the person the same as you wish to be treated..... And offer to do something for someone else... perhaps it will lighten their load just a little.

1.15.13

With so many people sick, I am grateful to not be sick with something serious.  I am SOOOO grateful to Carol for keeping Mackenzie tonight to allow me to rest and hopefully sleep.  This also makes my chances of attending church at 7 even better... THANK YOU!!!!!
Please keep all those who are sick and those who are caring for them in your prayers.   I especially am praying for Grady, who is not yet 1.5 and in the hospital with a 105 fever and tested positive for RSV.  May our Heavenly Father place his healing hand on all and may all of us remember to give praise and gratitude.
Amen

His super hero Angel brother, Cullen is also looking after him.

1.13.13

---The Windy Beach... What does it remind you of???
After my morning... I posted this:

-Some days I wonder why...... forget it.. what's the point!-

Some days... it's just harder than others.  Today was one of them.... BUT....

I am so grateful that the Holy Spirit worked to help me be able to sit and worship (with my friend) rather than teach as I thought. 

I needed to hear the reminders and actually be able to hear a wonderful Sermon.  I am ashamed that when my children were Baptized it was not for the right reasons.  Today we were asked why we brought our children to be Baptized   When Jordan was, it was to please his paternal great grandmother.  When Mackenzie was it was to please me.  I wanted my daughter to have the same "start" as her brother.  Last year when we joined Holy Trinity, I asked if we would be Baptized and was told not needed.  I wanted to tell God, I am bringing them for the right reason now... I am looking forward to the day of their Confirmations to allow them to reaffirm what I believe to be true... My children are a part of a larger family... With God as their TRUE Father, He will protect them always.  

As we settle in for what shall be a busy week... let's all remember, we are Children of God.  We are all loved, we just need to welcome the embrace.

Make many moments marvelous, Monday morning.-Amen

1.12.13

Today my friend turned 50... She is an AMAZING woman who I am so grateful to have in my life.  Her family opened up to me many years ago... I am so blessed and grateful.  I pray she was feeling well enough to enjoy it... I love her so much..
May we all awaken to a Spectacular Spiritual Sunday and spent some seconds if not more saying Thank you.

1.11.13

God's plan/ path is always taking on new avenues... it's time to take the fork in the road.  Perhaps it may not go as imagined.. Perhaps it will be rocky.... but in the end it will be alright as there is a guiding light, for those who ask... Thank you!!!

1.10.13

As this day comes to an end.. I just want to say THANK YOU.   May we all end this Thankful Thursday saying thank you to the One Most High.  Tomorrow as you awaken and say TGIF.. may you actually mean it...

1.9.13

We sin, we ask to be forgiven, we receive forgiveness.  Yet we have a difficult time forgiving each other.  This came up tonight.  When people say I can forgive, but I won't forget... my question is are we actually forgiving then? Holding it in for what? Waiting for something else to happen to add to the list? Do our sins get piled up? Do we retell the same sins each time? So why can't we just forgive?  I am NOT judging what anyone else said.. because all of this has come out of my own mouth.  I spent the night holding on to anger.. and I know that doing that is dangerous to my own health.  I know that I am losing my temper and I do not want this to be me.. I know that there are moments when I just do not know anymore... and I know those are the moments .. I am supposed to say the simplest of prayers...

Dear God...

HELP.

Amen

1.8.13

Dear Heavenly Father,
You are the most High... THANK YOU. When the sun comes up in the morning, I thank you.  When the ;children smile, I thank you.  When the day goes as planned, I thank you.  When I arrive back home safe and sound, I thank you,.  When I create a dinner, my children will eat, I thank you. When the children say their evening prayers, I thank you.  When the children go to sleep, I thank you.  When the room becomes silent and I'm forced to think, I thank you.  When things do not go like I want, I do not blame you.. I thank you for continuing to stand beside me as I go through them.
Amen

1.7.13

Dear Heavenly Father,
In all your greatness.  I pray one day I will live my life in a way that would please you.  I know that I can do a lot better, I will try.  Please help those who are ill, to feel better and watch over those who are in special need.
Amen

1.6.13

Immediately when we got to church this morning,  Mackenzie said she wanted to usher and since only one person was signed up... we did it... OH BOY.... USHERING & Antibiotic child... not a good combination..lol   Right before Peace, Mackenzie said "I'm not doing Peace... Pastor Mary is not here!!!! and she had that sad face on... I would have to agree with her...Church this morning was weird without Pastor Mary... Pastor Arnie does a good job.. but knowing PM was sick across the street.. I feel like many of us just wanted to go bring her soup and get well wishes.  During coffee hour I told Pastor Arnie.. if he needed help during 10:30.. I would help... and I did.. I was a communion assistant again... (there were 58 people, and I knew many of them)....Giving people the blood of Christ, reading a couple prayers... be it, with a VERY red face, (I some how forgot some very basic words)... UGHH.. not a great feeling... I was shaking by the end.  but I still did the dismissal-someone said "too bad Pastor Mary wasn't here to see you do all that..." I thought.. Yeah.. I am happy she missed it!!!  Don't get me wrong, I am proud of myself for not chickening out... but ugh... how could I mess up so many simple words.. seriously..lol
Jordan and I spent the afternoon working on more of his missed work, Mackenzie took a nice 2 hour nap and when she woke up on her own.. she said can you send Pastor Mary a get well video... yes... I did.. and I will attach it here..and then I did the laundry, folded it and put outfits for the next three days together for each of us and  put the rest away... YIPPPEEEE ... made dinner, cleaned up packed up my lunch for school tomorrow, and got them to bed (only 20 mins late) and really nobody has come out .. Yes, I know I should not have said that.. but really this is good..lol
The point to all of this... I am GRATEFUL for my life... yes, even the moments when I am asking why my son feels I will do his work for him.. I am so grateful... I am so blessed to have these children and I know each day I have to remind myself of this and thank you God for giving me the chance to be their mom and not only for myself but to also help them to live life in a way that will Glorify Your name. For all of us whom are sick.. May the healing embrace touch us all and help us to become whole again. May we end this Super Spiritual Sunday in a manner that will please You! May we all awaken in the morning light and Make it a Marvelous Monday.  -Amen

1.5.13

So many times today I kept saying this!!!
Mainly because if Pastor Mary was around me.. well she would just look at me and say it..  I am not feeling well and getting upset seems to make the throbbing in my head worse... I know logical thinking going on here... lol
Today has been one of those days that being a single mom... I need the reminders from above I am not alone.  And that I need to let things go... REALLY.
So hard to believe that 6 months has gone by already. My little girl is 5.5 today.  While looking for a funny video of her I came across a picture from three years ago this afternoon.... Remember last night... "Eyes" well look at those eyes.. OKAY I saw this face a lot today from this sweet angelic child.... and then this afternoon, after a screaming fit... she took this picture.. And as much as some things change, some things do not.. My daughter still loves her fleecy PJ nightgowns...
I find myself saying..."When we all finally become well again... tings may not be so crazy..." who am I kidding? It's the story of my life... HECTIC... Perhaps learning to do more for others is really going to help me calm down... As I have recently come into contact with someone for whom, I truly believe the Holy Spirit has her hand in guiding us together. Not in any other way then for me to help her find her way to a welcoming church.  I hope that she will stop listening to her upbringing and allow herself to be who she is (a wonderful person) and find a home like I have.

1.4.13

Hi! It has been a few days since I have been "functioning"  I tried to write my blog but the medication I was taking, not really good for focusing and clear typing.  Of course as I type this, My ear is throbbing, Mackenzie has come out twice now almost an hour past bedtime and Jordan four times and has been BARKING so bad, you would think he has not been on an antibiotic for three days now.
I want to thank PB for an awesome introduction to the book club.
An interesting question was posed.. If Jesus appeared how would you react? I believe I would hide.  Not necessarily out of complete fear, but out of what or how should I act?  I am that way with many people already so I have no doubt..lol -side bar-
Unlike my daughter who I am very proud of tonight.  She knows what she does not want and although she is also acting out in other ways, she is being pretty vocal about what she does NOT want to do.  I was listening to her on the phone tonight and she was excited talking about her upcoming responsibility.  She then got quiet and got very upset.  She then said "good night, you are not being nice, I do NOT want to walk by myself" and handed the phone to her brother.  My little five year old has more guts in her now than I have at 35!  She is so capable of standing up for herself and I am so proud of her. -end side bar-
But back to seeing Jesus... the next question was have you ever actually looked into your own eyes? How many people quickly look away from the mirror? Most of us find "faults" with what we see physically and therefore do not look deeper... I had a thought about the eye of the storm.. How we all looked and watched the storm of Sandy and then when we were in the eye of the storm how we all felt?
And then I remembered a favorite movie line.. when this was asked in a movie.. "Look into my eyes.. what do you see..." to which the scared, late for class high school kid responds to the scary principal,  "A COLD DARK PLACE" Santa Clause 3....
But in all seriousness... With my eyesight I cannot look at people's eyes, couldn't tell you anyone's eye color or look into them... but when I held my children as babies I used to look into their eyes... After all you hold babies close enough, so I could see... I always thought I could see more in their eyes... like where they came from... Idk.. may sound stupid... but I always felt like my mom was looking back.
Okay I know what your thinking,  maybe not too clear headed enough for my blog...lol but really...I do believe now it was the work of the Holy Spirit bringing my mom to me when I needed to feel her there with my children.

If you are looking for an interesting thought provoking book...The Faces Of Jesus: A Life Story by: F Buechner

1.1.13

When you think about 2012... what were your HIGHS and what were your LOWS? Is it possible when you think about it that they intertwined? When I think about the good and the bad.. I think about all the strength and courage and some people say grace that I showed in many aspects of what happened this past year.
One year ago I noticed things dramatically changing in my life... I was becoming a different person.  What I wanted was starting to take the stage rather than what I thought I should be doing.  It is amazing to me and to many around me to see what one year can do...  When you spend every day with a child it is difficult to see the daily changes... Outsiders come in and comment about the changes and the parents then begin to see what others point out.  This is how the last year has been... THE YEAR of CHANGE.. just as I thought it would be.
I am thinking of what to name this year.... I'm thinking....
The year of NEW
The year of Oh honey
The year of It's OKAY
The year of Finalizing
No matter what it's named... no matter I do... I know I will keep God as my leader through it all...