10.28.12

Today we celebrated Reformation day (Oct. 31).... (hence why we wear red) with our Church family and then the kids got to Trunk or Treat... Sandy's winds and a little drizzle would not stop the children's fun... I saw many happy faces.... This was our trunk... everyone thought it was funny how the scarecrow (even wearing red) was sitting in Mackenzie's stroller.. and only my children complained that I gave out pencils and pumpkin straws instead of candy...

As you settle in for a LONG few days of Sandy... During the reformation, we are praying Psalm 46 (NIV) and it is so appropriate for the preparation of this hurricane.  Please be safe and know we are not alone.

¹ God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging.^[c]

⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy place where the Most High dwells.
⁵ God is within her, she will not fall;
    God will help her at break of day.
⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
    he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

⁷ The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

⁸ Come and see what the Lord has done,
    the desolations he has brought on the earth.
⁹ He makes wars cease
    to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
    he burns the shields^[d] with fire.
¹⁰ He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.”

¹¹ The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Dear Heavenly Father,

You are the Almighty Father.  As your children all around evacuate and or brace for Sandy, I ask that you help them to find the refuge in all that you do.  Please keep  all those who are sick especially Sister Helen, Sister Pat, Robin, Peggy, Kelly, Ellen, Carol, Bob, Kenny, Janet, Joseph, Donna and my friend who remains nameless..., Those who are traveling and/or overseas especially Emmy please help them to stay safe and arrive safely.  All those who are looking for work including; Robin  please help them to find work.  All of the animals, Pastor Mary, Pastor Arnie and their families please keep them in your Glorious embrace always.  

Amen  

10.27.12

Today I was asked by my son, Is God mad at us? I said NO, why would you think that? He said well Hurricanes.... I said Hurricanes are from weather patterns not God.. he said Oh so it's not punishment for doing something bad?.... ahhh Got to love kids.  

Dear Heavenly Father,

You are the most High.  As your children all around brace for Sandy, I ask that you help them to find the refuge in all that you do.  Please keep  all those who are sick especially Sister Helen, Sister Pat, Robin, Peggy, Kelly, Ellen, Carol, Bob, Kenny, Janet, Joseph, Donna and my friend who remains nameless..., Those who are traveling and/or overseas especially Emmy please help them to stay safe and arrive safely.  All those who are looking for work including; Robin  please help them to find work.  All of the animals, Pastor Mary, Pastor Arnie and their families please keep them in your Glorious embrace always.  

Amen  

10.26.12

This morning I had the pleasure of seeing my daughter in a very grown up manner.  I have the bravest little girl. She sat right down and said how its no big deal to get blood work and then declared she just doesn't like it when she feels it. To which I said, well each time you would never know you felt it because you are always so brave! Then I said look at all the pretty colored tubes tell me the colors and as she was saying the colors, she said in this sweet matter of fact voice, I FELT THAT, then went right back to the colors. To which the nurse smiled and repeated it in the same soft voice and said why can't every patient be like you... Mackenzie didn't answer.. I have the bravest little girl! Love you, Mackenzie!!! My prayer is that the test comes back with the answers we seek.  Whether it's negative or positive, we will deal with it, for we know we have God holding us close as we hold him in the Highest regard.  

I spoke about the conversation my son had regarding the family situation yesterday.  Thank you all for the care and concern, we feel the love and support.  I know it will not be the only one and as a VERY wise woman said, "not everything that's broken can be fixed-but healing is still possible" I need to keep reminding myself that we are the process of this and it does NOT happen overnight.  I am grateful for this reminder and appreciate the guidance.  

As many are bracing for Sandy, I am worried about those who have a lot less than we do.  A friend of mine is a Director of an organization that works in Haiti and they are being slammed with many horrible things due to Sandy and they still have not recovered from the Earthquake.  If you are looking for something to donate to for the Holidays... Maybe consider this organization... I can guarantee they are helping...
http://myemail.constantcontact.com/Urgent-Update--Southern-Haiti-Severely-Affected-by-Hurricane-Sandy.html?soid=1102742452814&aid=VnMnIaBe2-E

Even my sister from far away is worried about us with this storm... lets worry about others that need it more...

Dear Heavenly Father,

You are the most High.  As your children all around brace for Sandy, I ask that you help them to find the refuge in all that you do.  Please keep  all those who are sick especially Sister Helen, Sister Pat, Robin, Peggy, Kelly, Ellen, Carol, Bob, Kenny, Janet, Joseph, Donna and my friend who remains nameless..., Those who are traveling and/or overseas especially Emmy please help them to stay safe and arrive safely.  All those who are looking for work including; Robin  please help them to find work.  All of the animals, Pastor Mary, Pastor Arnie and their families please keep them in your Glorious embrace always.  

Amen  

10.25.12

As this day began I some how knew it would be a day of looking deeper inside to figure out why I allow certain things to affect me.  Then I had a conversation with someone who was having me question it.... Who would have thought my son would then finish out the day by expressing his feelings on the family situation.  It was probably the first time he expressed these emotions and I am grateful he felt he could tell me EXACTLY what he thought about it all.  I explained to him the reality of the situation and that though it's not ideal right now, neither was the old situation.  Today he told me how he had to write an essay on one person who he would give a shield (his school is the knights and they are big on the shields of honor)... He had to pick someone who represents two... my son decided to write about me, he said the shields are caring and responsible... I am really happy to hear that he believes that about me.

The sea is his, for he made it,
      and his hands formed dry land. Psalm 95.5

Today I took pictures for my daughter and "her class"... what an adorable way to spend the afternoon.. Looking at God's children outside looking at all that God created.  The four children have very different  personalities and the class photo definitely represents that.  I cannot post the group shot but here is Mackenzie from the group shot... she looks like she belongs in an oil panting...lol and then this is her Kindergarten individual picture.

Dear Heavenly Father,

You are the most High.  As my children lay their heads down, I ask that you help them to find the Joy of your world during these crazy times.  Please keep  all those who are sick especially Sister Helen, Sister Pat, Robin, Peggy, Kelly, Ellen, Carol, Bob, Kenny, Janet, Joseph, Donna and my friend who remains nameless..., Those who are traveling and/or overseas especially Emmy please help them to stay safe and arrive safely.  All those who are looking for work including; Robin  please help them to find work.  All of the animals, Pastor Mary, Pastor Arnie and their families please keep them in your Glorious embrace always.  

Amen  

10.24.12

You asked, "Who is this that obsures my plans without knowledge?'

      Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
      Things too wonderful for me to know-Job 42.3
Ahhhh the amount of knowledge you acquire when you listen TWICE as hard than we speak. is truly a blessing.  As I sat and listened to many wise individuals dive into the ending of the Book of Job.  I had many moments tonight representing the connections to my life.  More so tonight then any other week.  

The heavens are telling the glory of God;

    and the firmament proclaims his handiwork.

Day to day pours forth speech,

    and night to night declares knowledge -Psalm 19.1-2                    

There was a lot of talk about anger and forgiveness.  The responses that people had regarding the idea that we need to ask for forgiveness from those we have done wrong doing prior to seeking forgiveness from our Lord.  What are your thoughts? During the Lord's Prayer this is spoken..

This was given to me by KG when my entire world was consumed by anger.  Along with a swift kick in the pants from GPK, daily appreciation of what I need to focus on, my blessings was born.   When we are living in something, sometimes we have to get to the point of process before we can get there.  It's all a matter of understanding that we can feel the anger, we need to look past or through the feelings of retaliation.  

I was asked tonight if I was happy it was the last night.  I immediately said NO, I enjoy these evenings.... It's amazing how every person who speaks of PM will tell you that you walk away after speaking to her in amazement, she is so scholarly and many joke, we need a dictionary after... she makes us want to pay attention even more.   I do feel a sense of community and really enjoy the adult connections.  So it saddens me that the next club starts late Dec.  and isn't being led by PM.. As I type this, I received a facetime call from my sister.  I am so grateful to see her and know she is safe.  It was a brief conversation but enough to bring a smile to my face.  Which reminds me of how I felt this morning during our gathering at the Altar, PM remembered Emmy, her nephew and all those who are working over seas to protect us.  Thank you to each and every one of them and their families.   

Dear Heavenly Father,

You are the Savior who welcomes all to find refuge.  Dear Lord please keep  all of our family and friends, those who are sick especially Sister Helen, Sister Pat, Robin, Peggy, Kelly, Ellen, Carol, Bob, Kenny, Janet, Joseph Donna and my friend who remains nameless..., Those who are traveling and/or overseas especially Emmy please help them to stay safe and arrive safely.  All those who are looking for work including; Robin  please help them to find work.  All of the animals, Pastor Mary, Pastor Arnie and their families please keep them in your embrace always.  

Amen                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       

10.23.12

When upset and anxious where do we turn?  This week Wall Intermediate School is honoring a lost DEA agent with continuing the tradition of Red Ribbon Week.  Bringing awareness to Drugs and what the dependence does to your life.
On Monday: "Sock it to Drugs" They wore red socks...
On Tuesday: "Tie Down Drugs Day" They wore a crazy tie with red on it...
On Wednesday: "Band against Drugs Day" They will wear RED headbands, wristbands, bandannas or a favorite Band T-shirt with a positive message...
On Thursday: "Don't Let Drugs Sneak up on You Day" They will wear sneakers
and on Friday: "Don't Let Drugs Turn You Inside-Out Day" They will wear a red shirt inside out.
Why am I telling you this? Well this past weekend we were reminded if we need to turn to something for comfort why not look to the Lord? 

 "When we feel we’re in danger, when we’re anxious and frightened, God invites us to seek refuge in the Lord’s presence, in worship and in prayer and in the Word and Sacrament.  In the 21st century, though, more folks are apt to seek chemical, legal or physical refuge than spiritual refuge.  We’re tempted to look for a sense of security in created things rather than in the Creator. "- PM 10/20-21 

So imagine how I felt the connection when the e-mail came Sunday night telling me what Jordan needed to have for this week.  Sometimes receiving a reminder is necessary.  Today I needed this reminder again and yes, I am looking for refuge in the Word.  Many people I care about are going through some medical scares and I feel the only thing I can do to help them is to pray...

11 For he will command his angels concerning you
      to guard you in all your ways.- PSALM 91

Dear Heavenly Father,
You are the Almighty. PM reminded us all each night we are safe in our own beds, because we are always being watched by you.  As they laid their heads down for the night, my daughter said it so perfectly. "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  See me safely through the night and wake me with the morning light.  Dear Lord please keep Mommy, Daddy, Jordan and Mackenzie, all of our family and friends, those who are sick especially Sister Helen, Sister Pat, Robin, Peggy, Kelly, Ellen, Carol, Bob, Kenny and Janet (Joseph and my friend who remains nameless... ), Those who are traveling and/or overseas especially Aunt Emmy please help them to stay safe and arrive safely.  All those who are looking for work including; Robin, Mommy and Daddy, please help them to find work.  All of the animals, Pastor Mary, Pastor Arnie and their families please keep them safe.-
Amen"

10.22.12

Years ago, I was involved in Creative relaxation.  I had a difficult time releasing my brain to "nothing"... with all that is going through my thoughts.. it is even more difficult to push everything out... but I sure am going to keep trying.  a half hour three days a week.... worth a shot!!!! Today was a marvelous Monday and here is hoping tomorrow is a Terrific Tuesday for you.

Dear Heavenly Father,
You are the GREATEST.  We can only try to live in a way that will Glorify Your Name.  I ask that you continue to keep my sister (and those who help to protect us) over seas and at home, in your amazing embrace.   In our prayers, I am also hoping that Sisters Helen and Pat, Robin, Peggy, Kelly, Bob, Kenny, Ellen, Carol, Janet and my nameless friend are in your healing grace. 
Amen

10.21.12

1. He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
         will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say to the Lord
         "My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."
9. Because you have made
         the Lord your dwelling place-
The most High, who is my refuge
10. no evil shall be allowed to befall you,
         no plague come near your tent.
Psalm 91
Ironically enough this Psalm (I have read before) PM, suggests we all read it several times this week!!!   I plan on reading the entire Psalm several times, how about you?!
I am so VERY proud of my children.  Today when I woke up for church, I wasn't sure how it would go, Mackenzie was up till midnight last night.  She was tired in church, but pretty good!!!!!  When it was time to go up for Communion she thought it was time to go home and started screaming at me that she wasn't ready to leave and was pretty loud... I said it's ok come on... and tried to not react... During coffee hour, a really nice guy, (J) came over to me and said STOP getting upset when your child is being a child... You were a kid once...
Jordan attended both services with me today.  (6th grade students volunteered to take on different roles in the service today).  Most of the volunteers signed up for two jobs, Jordan was asked if he could take on a third as one of his classmates was home sick.  He did a great job as always lighting the candles.  I was happy to see him collect the offering, but so VERY proud to see him doing the offering prayer.  He did a superb job.  If you know Jordan (and his stammering) you will understand how awesome it was for him to want to read and he did a FANTASTIC job!!!!!!!! After service the young lady who was to extinguish the candles tried to get Jordan to do it as she did not know what to do, he immediately said, "I will show you"... YES!!! really proud!  So the funny thing that happened was right before Communion Jordan leaned over and said to me, "I feel like my class is going to make fun of me, look they are going up for Communion, I am the only one who will get blessed!"  I tried to explain that nobody is watching and not to worry.  We then walk up and Pastor Mary started to give it to Jordan, I was next and realized she wasn't realizing and he had his hands out and I know he was debating taking it, I pushed his hands down and smiled at PM, she then realized and blessed his forehead.  After service the (Communion Assistant) came over and said do you realize how red you got when you did that? I have never seen anyone go to that shade of red so quick.  I said YUP that's me.. happens all the time when I am embarrassed...  She laughed and said kids will be kids...

So the truth of the matter is, I grew up way to fast... I never really was a kid... So when you know something is wrong, how do you change it? YES, I understand I need to lighten up, let my children be children and not be too serious. Who wants to explain how to actually accomplish this?  I am seriously up for suggestions because all I ever hear is, "lighten up" and I get it.. I need to... just do not get how.

Dear Heavenly Father,
You are the Most High.  I ask that you continue to keep my sister safe as she is at her destination (and those who help to protect us) in your amazing embrace.   In our prayers, I am also hoping that Sisters Helen and Pat, Robin, Peggy, Kelly, Bob, Kenny, Ellen, Carol, Janet and my nameless friend are in your healing grace. 
Amen

10.20.12

Today was such a beautiful reminder of how lovely and peaceful God's world can be!!!!!  Lunch with the kids at our favorite BBQ, then an ice cream cone to benefit two children who are battling different illnesses. a nice nap, then KIDS clothes shopping with HELP from an AWESOME friend... THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!!  She wasn't too happy that I was not letting up on her today... HEY that's what friends are for.. NOT going to forget or not worry about a friend... AS we should all treat our friends as special as they are.
Excited that the Christmas card outfits are all ready... I went on to costco to see if I might like any and found  THE PERFECT card that represents the message I want to share and matches the outfits... SOOO EXCITED>>>> YES, those who know me know, the cards will be ready in time.
I am grateful my sister has landed safe and sound before taking back off for her final destination.  I was even happier to receive communication from her!!!

Dear Heavenly Father,
You are AMAZING and GREAT!!!  I ask that you keep my sister safe (and those who help to protect us) in your amazing embrace.   In our prayers, I am also hoping that Sisters Helen and Pat, Robin, Peggy, Kelly, Bob, Kenny, Ellen, Carol, Janet and my nameless friend are in your healing grace. 
Amen

10.19.12

As we prepare to end this Fabulous Friday, I hope that the boys will take the SLEEP part in SLEEP OVER serious.....May tomorrow morning when we are lucky enough to awaken in the morning light, may it be a Super Saturday.  

Dear Heavenly Father,
You are AMAZING and GREAT!!!  As my sister sits on a plane, I ask that you keep her (and those who help to protect us) in your amazing embrace.   In our prayers, I am also hoping that Sisters Helen and Pat, Robin, Peggy, Kelly, Bob, Kenny, Ellen, Carol, Janet and my nameless friend are in your healing grace. 
Amen

10.18.112

Please understand... I was so grateful yesterday, just could NOT get online.   The children and I made it to my sisters in 4.5 hrs yesterday... (we hit a little bit of traffic)... We had a wonderful dinner and the kids got to play (and actually score some points on their aunt in) Nok Hockey...  My sister and i spent the night going over affairs while I washed all of our laundry (hers and ours).... and it was nice being with her.  This morning, as she left for work we said goodbye... We did not know if we would be able to do lunch before we left.  I was GRATEFUL when she said she could.  I love to be with my sister.  She and I do NOT always get along.. and apparently I called her Eleanor enough times following her today that Mackenzie asked why I kept saying that name... lol I laughed and explained it similar to when I say Mackenzie Chase.... she said OH so you are not happy with Emmy.... I said just her driving. lol Anyway, we had a nice lunch and took some great pictures.  we then sat in ACCIDENT- then CONSTRUCTION- then CONSTRUCTION X's 5 or 6 more times... for 7 HOURS.... yes, my children are AWESOME.. they WERE AWESOME and I cannot say that enough.. I was going out of my mind (in fear of having to drive at night and then the RAIN came down too....)  MY kids were just AWESOME.. and luckily I had stopped at Costco and picked up a box of rice krispie treats.. for most of the car ride that is what they ate...lol  Ok so here is the remarkable thing.. REALLY... when we first left Alexandria - my navigator (Jordan) told me to get off at the wrong exit then there was construction blocking to get back on... by the time we got back on we were stopping for an Accident...  had we NOT gotten off.. we could have been in the horrible accident.. it shut down the road and caused us to have to go down the grass to another road after an hour of sitting... When Jordan started to say something about having to sit in traffic I reminded him how great God is that he was looking out for us! He then realized how it could be a positive...  Thank you for showing me I am capable of doing this and perhaps trying to get home by a specific time should not be my plan.. but realizing that I made it home SAFE is the real plan...
Dear Heavenly Father,
Your amazing Grace and Wisdom is more than any of us could ever imagine.  As my sister and others get ready to go over seas, I ask that you keep them (and those who help to protect us) in your prayers.   As we prepare for the upcoming holidays, it is always a painful truth that many families will not have their loved ones around them.  I am so grateful to those who spend their days and nights serving to give us the freedom we cherish and thank you to the families who lay awake at night missing them.  May you be reunited shortly safe and sound.  In our prayers, I am also hoping that Sisters Helen and Pat, Robin, Peggy, Kelly, Bob, Kenny, Ellen, Carol, Janet and my nameless friend are in your healing graces.
Amen

10.16.12

The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
My shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
PSALM 18.2

Dear Heavenly Father,
As I prepare to take a short visit to my sister,  I remember the trip I took back in February that played a large part in me opening my heart to your greatness.  You protected us that day from the bus and  I ask that you continue to protect us as we travel once more.  Please continue to keep Sister Pat, Sister Helen, Robin, Peggy, Kelly, Bob, Kenny, Ellen, and my friend whom you know well in your healing embrace.  May we all work to live each day to Glorify your name.
Amen

10.15.12

¹⁸The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
 -PSALM 34

Today is National Pregnancy and infant loss Day.  At 7 pm, Candles were lit to show a wave of light for all those lost too soon.  Many of my friends have suffered the loss of a pregnancy and I only know what they have shared.  Saying a prayer for them as well as for Cullen and his family.  May all those who have suffered a loss of this magnitude find some peace in the light. 
May we all look to God for the Greatness will help us. 

Dear Heavenly Father,
 Please keep those who are remembering a lost one, as well as; Sister Pat, Sister Helen, Robin, Peggy, Bob, Kenny and my friend who wishes to remain private, in your healing embrace. As my sister and others prepare to travel once more, I ask you keep them safe and help all those who will worry held up high. In all your generosity and strength, we look to you for the comfort and grace and to live to glorify Your name.  
Amen

10.14.12

A wonderful day full of God's Blessings.  As I sat and listened to PM's Sermon, I was happy Mackenzie was sitting quietly on my lap resting her head on me.  There are many times PM asks questions and actually wants an answer, not sure she really wanted someone to answer, but Mackenzie did!!! It was the correct answer and was loud enough for all to hear!!! After a good chuckle from the crowd, Mackenzie then became a little too giggly.  It was cute as I tried to shhh her, PM thanked her for listening! Lol too funny.  During peace and after many people had comments.. Again funny.  All in all it was pleasant.
Teaching Sunday School, was a little less crazy, but still this kind of makes me want to grab a parent and say, what are you teaching your child? I am not leaving myself out of that!!! Really I get middle school is a new breed, but really I do not understand some of what they do!!
I am grateful my daughter took a nap so I could make the apple pies and get over to the Blessing of the animals in time.  Such a beautiful event.  PA and PM said many beautiful things and had everyone introduce the animals.  It was really sweet, I wish the cats would have been alright but def not with all the animals around.  I prob would never see John Doe again!! Lol
Perhaps what was the greatest moment was after the blessing.  To see my kids so excited to see their aunt and run to leave with her.  I was happy they had the opportunity to spend some time with her! It was also nice to stand as an adult and talk with a group of women to figure out what I am doing wrong with my baking!! The crust does not cone out right but tastes alright!  Who knows maybe I will figure it out in time.  Just an awesome feeling of community!
Our evening ended with another feeling of family.  Our dear extended family invited us for dinner, what a great sight to see the kids together and us adults enjoying each others company... So much fun!!!  God gave us all these great people to bless us and this day we felt every bit of it!  Thank you Lord for providing us with such wonderful people and we will remember that these relationships are our true greatest possessions.  Please help to heal, Sister Helen, Sister Pat, Robin, Peggy, Kelly, Bob, Kenny as he prepares for things to come and my dear friend who wishes to remain private....
Amen

10.13.12

Sitting here thinking about how nice today was for my children! We enjoyed the farm each with a friend and as I walked from pen to pen, I thought about how lucky we were to be that close to so many of God's creatures at once.  We then enjoyed carving pumpkins and then had a surprise visitor.  Sometimes its really nice to have an unexpected visitor at night simply because it keeps my min occupied.  It has been a busy day and honestly my eyes are shutting!! Church, TEACH Sunday school,  stop at store for apples,  Mackenzie nap so I can bake, Blessing of the animals, drop the kids off for a visit with their aunt while I go for a walk with my friend then get the kids for dinner with our extended family!!!! Busy busy!!! Thank you Lord for these opportunities!  May you have a super spiritual Sunday!!!!

10.12.12

Dear Heavenly Father,
    So many reasons to be thankful.  You are amazing and great and those of us who welcome you are really blessed. As I prepare for bed, I think about what my life was like when I did not embrace your love and guidance.  I was lost, and depriving myself and my children with a Faith foundation.  Opening my heart and my soul to your greatness and love has provided me with a clear picture of who I could become.  I pray your healing embrace assists, Sister Helen, Sister Pat, Peggy, Robin, Bob, Kelly, Jerry and my friend who you know but wishes to remain private, to give them what they need to move forward healthy.
Amen

10.11.12

Why is 9 afraid of 10??? Because it has 11 and 12 after it..lol Ok I know that isn't really the joke.. but I thought about it when I typed the date.. lol Many people had that idea on how to get through yesterday... to think of tomorrow... Yesterday morning, someone came to me during coffee hour and asked if I was alright...I sent her an email today thanking her for taking the time to not only ask, but for caring.. Her response touched me even more... "People at HT care!"  It is so true....  Last night in the Book Study, when I walked in a sweet woman (I have been with her for three book clubs now) looked at me and said "what's wrong"  I really was trying and said, "nothing I'm ok".. she knew and said no you are not.  This is one of the reasons this book club is so good for me.  It makes me look at things I would prefer not to.  Since we were not alone, I said think of the last book club, and simply said 25 years.  She later came to me after and said, you will be ok... tomorrow is the 11th!..  This is similar to what PM said after, I made it through the day.  I did and I was proud of myself..

Last night tho, I felt the loss and allowed myself to grieve the new loss associated with it.  And then today I was reminded that people will not change unless THEY want to, and it's time that I stop enabling situations.   Boundaries will be set!

This morning, the door opened.  As soon as I get things done (already have apts scheduled) I will be able to work as a sub!  As happy as I am for this... .I am even more excited for the news my aunt expressed.  Today was her final (33) radiation treatment.  She is doing great and touched the lives of the techs for her positive grateful attitude.  They cried that today was her last day and I am so grateful it was.  I too share her response, "I hope never to see you again".... I also pray that she will never have to either...  Made me think though... see what a positive attitude can do for others? I said it a few weeks ago... although it's up to the person you are around.. how we are affects the mood of the room and being positive is a much better way of living.    Today is Thankful Thursday and I am so thankful for not only the privileged to now get to know my aunt but to have her be a part of my children s' lives..
May today be a new beginning for you as well.... most of all, it is Thankful Thursday!!!!!

10.10.12

This morning, I posted this picture of my mom on Facebook with this message: I have never thought of it as your Heavenly Birthday.  I accepted a long time ago you were no longer suffering, but now I can appreciate that you are with others who loved you too.  Does not mean I miss you any less.  This picture is from what I imagine was your happiest day on Earth, I pray that 25 years ago today was also a happy day, for you went home to God.  Miss and love you very much.  
This was the first year, I decided I would not go to Cranford....As this day began, the darkness and the rain scared me to drive to Church.   I knew I wanted to be there, before it started and I am glad I was able to do it.  Not only was I blessed to have a really sweet friend come to the service another special person showed up today as well.  She was not there for me, but I was really grateful she was there as I knew how much both of them needed to be in Church this morning and it was nice to see more people on Wednesday!

My friend and I both were in tears during the prayers as PM spoke about moms both here and in Heaven and when we stood up to do Peace we both saw the  tears and gave an extra hug... I am so grateful she was there.  

During coffee hour, I tried to interact, but it was difficult.  I still feel guilty really doing a lot especially today. I get my mom would not want me to do nothing, but I feel it sometimes.   My friend and I went for such a lovely walk after as the sun came out just before we left... it was a nice walk.  I appreciated the texts and facebook messages from everyone today.  It was really a nice reminder I am not alone.  I would have sat and did nothing most of today if my friend did not ask me to go to the mall.  I had my moments of being quiet, but really tried to treat today as any normal day.  Lunch and our talk was really nice and I look forward to going to JOB....  as I wait for their dad to come, my kids are a good reminder of the blessings I have.  I know she is watching over the three of us, May your Guardian Angel keep you safe and help you to Thankful Thursday.  

10.9.12

I got to spend an unexpected lunch with one of my dearest friends. I am so grateful for her, our friendship, and the conversation we shared.  It was nice to talk about her mom and their relationship.  I knew her mom and the relationship between them a lot more than I knew my mom and our relationship. I was then able to go get my hair dyed and cut and felt a little better about myself afterward.
I am so appreciative of the conversation this afternoon and the prayer that followed.  The prayer made a connection I have not felt in a long time... There was more than one person holding my hands and I felt it.  <3 thank you.  Tonight as I go to sleep, I will be even more grateful to be spending if even just a little part of my day tomorrow with many caring people.
Dear Heavenly Father,
As we say our prayers tonight, I reminded the children just how great you are.  In everything around us we see how wonderful you are.  May we all feel your grace tomorrow and have a sense of peace.  May those who knew and loved my mom find comfort that she is with her siblings and you, including, my sisters, my brother, my father and her brother and sisters.  Please keep Sister Helen, Sister Pat, Robin, Peggy, Bob and those who are in need of your healing hands in your embrace.
Amen
My mom (sitting) her mother in law and sister in law.... I am grateful to have the opportunity to get to know my aunt Lorraine...

10.8.12

Marvelous Monday made a mark.  Whether you had today off or spent the day working, how did you make it marvelous?
Last night, a friend told me she would be coming to Church with me on Wednesday and I started to cry. It was the sweetest thing.  I did tell her that I know things are out of her control and if she could not it would be alright... when she said it to me again today, more tears came to my eyes.  I am so grateful.  This will be the first year I will "not be with someone"  in many years and it's weird to think it's been 25 years since we were called into the living room and told.
Many emotions are running through my head.  The dreams started and although I thought I was crazy to still have them, a friend told me she still has them and it has been longer.. I am grateful for knowing I am not alone in that, however, I do wish I could find what I need to not experience them anymore.  Back in February, I started this journey wanting to learn more about my mom and to deal  with her death once and for all.  I had some distractions over the last few months... However, I am going to set a goal to spend this next year getting to know my mom and other family members I do not really know.                              
I am certain that I do not wish my life to be any different, especially since I have found my way to God's path.  I know that without the loss of my mother, my life would have been very different and I would not have acquired so many wonderful people to whom I am grateful to call my friends and family.

I keep trying to think of how I felt last Wednesday (during the Healing Service).  I wish the anniversary was last Wednesday.  I am grateful I will have a reason to get out of bed and to celebrate life and I am grateful to be doing it with many wonderful people.
The mom I knew.  This was May of 86 (yeah I know imagine that my mouth open!!)  She died Oct. of 87

10.7.12

Super Spiritual Sunday is coming to an end, it was an interesting day. 

I am grateful to hear what people think of my blog.. I just get thrown off when someone new reads it.  This morning when Pastor Arnie said "I read what you wrote on Wed!: I looked and laughed at PM, and said "Do you send it to everyone?"  I feel honored, but nervous! There was that moment that I thought, oh boy did I say something I shouldn't? lol And of course then there was that other thought, what exactly did I say? PA and I had a nice talk and I am glad he read it, especially since he thought I didn't want to stay!!

As a parent, we know that asking a child is asking for honesty, it was most definitely a little scary when PM asked the children what their parents say to God about them.... I was laughing when my friend called out, remember your parents are here!!!!! I then called out, I was just thinking the same thing. lol   I asked Mackenzie "what do we say when we pray to God?" She responded, "Thank you for this food." "That's some of what we say throughout our day... do you know anything else?" To which I heard, "Can you help me with this page?!" All four of our kids kept quiet.. I don't think they know what we say, perhaps it's time we tell them... Thankfully PM moved on, to ask the adults...

I ran out to my car just after Sunday school started, I was saying goodbye to a friend when we saw a SUV pull up and park in a place that she really should not, I thought I would be nice and say "I wouldn't leave your car there, she wasn't exactly nice when she responded "WHY? I said, "I have seen cars go in and out of there, wouldn't want your car to get hit" To which she then said in a pretty NASTY voice, I do it every week, I'm just dropping off... as she got her kids out of the car and ran them into Sunday school... So I am going to "confess my sins..."I looked at my friend and said perhaps she should not be dropping off and leaving.. perhaps she needs to stay in Church... just saying..."  So that wasn't very nice of me, and I should remember not to say things just because I think them and to listen "twice as much as I speak" and I did go back in and ask for forgiveness... 

I had Jack today, It was weird to have the dog again... I love that dog, but I do not miss having the responsibilities that go alone with a dog..it was a gentle reminder and an ease in to having him all of next weekend.  Works out though since the Blessing of the animals was rained out to next Sunday.  

Most people who know me, know this week ahead is a difficult one, and it has begun.  It is weird to still have dreams of the days.  I am looking through the Bible and will find comfort.  I am grateful the actual day falls on a day that I will start and end my day in Church!!!  A Picture of my mom, Mary.

Many have tomorrow off, May it be a Marvelous Monday!!!!

10.6.12

So Grateful to learn a lesson and be able to teach through my mistakes...
When you realize you made a mistake, what do you do?  As a parent, this happens often.... really we can't ever really say we are doing it right all of the time.. but I was reminded tonight that sometimes doing right by them is telling them the mistake I made and why I won't be doing that again.
Last week, I told Jordan to turn off the Xbox and to go study his Science some more (he had already studied twice earlier in the night).  He said he did not need to that he knew it all.  I did not like how he responded (while still playing his game) so I asked if he was so confident that for every point off of 100, he would lose his Xbox for a day.. he said ok...  Well Jordan's grade was posted today.. he got a 92... I reminded him of his deal.. and he responded it's still an A..... He is RIGHT.. it is an A... and I am really pleased with his grade... I was torn because I felt like I needed to follow through... I posted on Facebook and yes, all my friends that responded (except two) said to stick to my deal etc... but really I am the one who made the mistake in the first place... I did not trust my son when he said he knew it.... and I was impulsive (and annoyed) when I made the "deal".....
Wishing you a wonderful night sleep and that tomorrow morning, you will have a spectacular Spiritual Sunday...

10.5.12

All the sleepless nights have caught up with me. I am exhausted with a massive headache... I am actually heading to bed * it's not even 9pm...lol  I am so grateful for what our Lord has given me and the lessons I am learning on this journey.  I am grateful for the chance to say goodbye and though I didn't see everyone, it was a good way to close the book.... I am browsing the library for a new book... hopefully this week, I will have some choices to read....
May tomorrow be a super Saturday...

10.4.12

I reached out to God and God held my head out of the water... I understand that sometimes a wave goes over my head and as long as I believe and have Faith,  He will keep my head from being submerged....

The weights are off... I broke down that last hurdle...I can now breathe.  What an amazing feeling.  One door has officially closed and will never open up again.  I am GRATEFUL for the years and all the lessons learned, I will take them through the next door.. I am excited to have the opportunity to become a sub and will do anything I can to make it work so I can show these schools they want to hire me.

It has not been easy and many do not know.. nor will you....please know that all kind words and support were heard and greatly appreciated.  Especially to those of you and you know who you are... THANK YOU!!! Without you, some days I do not know how I would have gotten out of bed let alone made it through to get back in... THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart.

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10.3.12

So much today was "healing"  Starting this morning with 7 am service.  It was so difficult to get up and get the kids out the door.  But, I am so glad I did.  There is something about the small gathering that makes me feel even closer to God.  I then received the news I had been waiting for and am grateful that it came today rather than tomorrow.  As I left to attend my first "healing service"  I went with a sense of relief and am even more grateful for such an amazing service.  What an amazing way to spend an hour, to pray for those who are sick and need healing.  It was so uplifting to light a candle and to have all the candles placed together.  I kept looking at the candles all together and it gave me such HOPE.  I had to take a picture of it and the sweet (smarty pants)  I sit with was busting my chops about it.. but I just felt such a connection through the candles.. (I know sounds really weird..)  The next part of the service is the "laying of the hands"  I have to say that it was the time I felt such an overwhelming feeling when Pastor Arnie placed his hands on my head.   Even just sitting here,, I feel it.  This service was so amazing and I am so grateful to my ex for coming early (out of the blue) which allowed me to attend.
The next part of my evening was the Book of Job study group. I am so grateful for the friends I have and that they are nothing like Job's friends.  You are all amazing, and have provided me with many things most of which just being here for me, THANK YOU!!!!  Questions asked of us, what do our friends do to help us when we suffer... the greatest thing I have learned recently is to feel the emotions.  No longer repressing or forcing myself to be ok... to actually embrace the feelings and move through them.  We also talked about how when we are with someone who is suffering what should we say and what shouldn't we say.... as a friend just told me the other night... people keep telling he and his wife, "I know how you feel" or "I can understand what your going through"  As I told him the other day, " Unless you have lost a child, you have NO IDEA and what you think might help usually does NOT.."  We cannot fully know what anyone is going through because God made us all different... As Pastor Mary said to me "God gave Mary one voice and Jen another..."  All of our experiences are different.. A family who has 5 kids can all suffer a loss, but each of them will have different feelings and emotions and none of them can say I know how you feel... The truth of the matter is... WE DO NOT know... only God does.   The most profound thing I heard tonight was something about when a friend lets you down and what you experience then.  This happened to me back in May and it has been REALLY difficult to accept the loss and to feel the emotions that go along with them.  It's all part of life... no life should be easy.... I have never asked for an easy life.. I may have asked for things to go easier... but not easy..  how else will we learn?   Above all, I praise you,, Lord for your Greatness and thank you for providing me the opportunity to live in a way that Glorifies your name...

10.2.12

A year ago tonight, I was getting ready to go back to my company in a different location.  I really wasn't prepared for what was to come.  I recall how the participants reacted to all the changes (what the state said we were to do) and how the county workers reacted to me "going by the book".  Who would have thought it would be the easiest part of this year.  It is amazing when I stop and think about everything both personal and professional that has changed and how I have evolved.
Especially this week, I am not fearing and started embracing and coming to terms with many emotions.  I am NOT doing it alone.  Thanks be to God for seeing me through and will continue to have Faith in you and the plan that is set for me,  When I wake up tomorrow morning, I will be ready for Spiritual peace and remember to make it a wonderful Wednesday.

10.1.12

Hear the answers, (all of them) provided from above
Only alone if you think that way.
Pray for those who you know and those you don't
Each one of us is.." a perfect child of God"

Today my friend received some news that provides us with HOPE and I pray that it was enough news to provide comfort for the month.  I am also  HOPING that Sister Pat's rehabilitation will not be as painful or so long. I am HOPEFUL that as we move forward, the adults will act like it and the children will be put first.

Dear Heavenly Father,
Please continue to show us how GREAT you are.  I ask that we all keep Sister Pat, Sister Helen, Robin, Peggy, Kelly, Aunt Lorraine, Kenny, Carol, and my friend who wishes to remain private all in our prayers.  Tonight Mackenzie added herself to the "sick" list at bedtime because she has a cough...
Amen
Tho today did not provide the conclusion I seek, there is HOPE that tomorrow, Terrific Tuesday takes that title...