12/14/13

I really do try.  I really do try to not worry about things.  I really do try to just let things happen.  I really do try to let things be as they will, knowing that I have God and those who love me on my side. Yet, things are worrying me and when they do worry me, it really does weigh heavy on not just my shoulders.  

There really is just too many things sometimes all at once.  I wish I had the strength,  I wish I was strong enough, I wish all that I do try was enough.  I fear its not.  I do not want to lose sight of the important people in my life.  I really am committed to being a better person.  I know that I am in need of a good night sleep and certainly hearing Pastor Mary tomorrow will help.  Dear Heavenly Father, As we try so hard to find a gift for those on our list, let's remember those men and women who only wish to make it home to their families.  Those families who are remembering their lost ones (a year ago and others), and May we all remember those who are less fortunate and may we all remember the true blessings of Christmas.  Amen

12/8/13

Getting out this weekend felt real good. A lot changed since last year's party.... and we had a great time.   a lot of fun had by all... Being with the woman I love, helped to ease the fears... and certainly made today so much easier.  It really is a nice feeling to have someone on your side that respects and values you.  It is nice to hear someone tell you that the things that are being said are not true and to hear things that are true.  It's amazing to have that unconditional love.  I am blessed.  

Dear Father in Heaven,

Please help us to see what we need in order to live a life that will Glorify you and make us happy.

Amen

12/5/13

I believe in the Holy Spirit... I believe that the Holy Spirit is here with me many times during my life.  Last night I wrote about feeling detached... today while at the pharmacy I was calling the nuns to see if they needed anything.. I heard their voices.... they walked into the pharmacy.  I started laughing and showed them that I was just calling them...  They began to ask me how we all are etc... I said I was there to get J medicine for bronchitis.... they immediately started talking about who they recently saw and how that person has not seen me.  They immediately started joking about calling me a drop out and telling me that I can always go back to being Catholic....
I never belonged as a Catholic.  I do belong as a Lutheran.  I have not dropped out.... someone very dear to me, commented about how HT saved me... Yes, HT saved me, and I am so blessed for what I have.- Amen

12/4/2013

It's amazing how much life can change in just months... Yes,I am grateful. When Life throws curve balls, God is there with a mitt on.  When the wind blows strongly, God is there holding a brush  When Life gives us lemonade, God is sitting next to us drinking. Although I know this, I have felt detached.  It's not a good feeling, and it only makes it more difficult when I try to "re-attach".  Things keep happening and it seems there is always a reason... I hate that, and I hate the feelings that come along with it.  I miss what I had, I miss the feelings I had, I know realistically, I won't get it back... but I do wish there was a way to get a new rhythm going.   -Amen

12/1/13

It's been so long since I wrote.... Battling pretty bad colds, it's been a whirlwind the last couple of weeks. Not only am I grateful, I know how blessed I am.  I really am.  When it seems that I am in over my head, I feel God lifting me up above the water and keeping me treading water.  I am not looking for an easy life, I know that it's not realistic, keeping my focus on what I want and what I need to do in order to get there.... that IS what keeps me treading.  I am starting to see things about myself that people keep saying and though it embarrasses me, I am starting to accept them.  I am also finding myself wanting more than I ever wanted previously.  Wanting to do and go and be is a really amazing feeling.  Finding someone whom brings out this in me, is priceless...

Dear Heavenly Father,

As the season of Thanks rolls into the season of giving, may we all be thankful for the gifts you have given us and pay it forward to give to others in ways that will help make their lives a little easier.

Amen

11/26/13

As this day comes to an end, I think about some very dear people who are thinking and praying for their sibling(s) respectively.  I pray an ask each of you reading this to pray for George and for Shirely.   May God's embrace relieve the suffering and be with them and their families, now more than ever. Amwn

11.25.13

When you know Who, know what, know how, and know when, it's hard not to want when to hurry up and get here... when it does happen, it will be worth it....
Dear Heavenly Father,
May each of us find what it takes to make it to the finish line and find the happiness that we all deserve.
Amen

11.24.13

A lot discussed, many decisions made, have some goals in mind and wanting to work towards them. On the other hand, it's that time of year.  Being thankful for what I have and trying to keep that in my mind as the holidays approach.  -Amen

11/21/13

Sometimes its just enough to be there, it has to be.  
Dear Heavenly Father,
Please help each of us to feel you and to always know you are here for each of us.
Amen

11/20/13

Today I said goodbye to a great man.  I still can't believe he isn't here and I definitely have regrets for allowing past mistakes interfere with family.  It is most definitely an eye opener.  I do not want to have regrets and looking at the pictures of a very fulfilling life, solidifies that me becoming who I really am and saying what I want for me and my kids was the right decision.
I had a difficult time going into the room, but it gave me an opportunity to hear all the stories and to listen to all the stories from his work which for as long as I can remember growing up, he was retired from... Made me think even more that I need to be in a job that I would be happy in. One that is challenging, but rewarding.  I need to take that step and find something sooner rather than later.  I need to be happy.
The surprise that my brother was heading there at the same time was really nice, I was only alone for about a half hour... (That's when I listened to everyone talking-from a distance) then getting the confirmation from him, this was NOT where my mom's wake was... Was an awesome feeling.  I still do not like walking in to funeral homes, and the overwhelming aroma of cut flowers still brought me back to it, I survived, and I am glad I was able to go say goodbye to a man I used to wish was my "pop"... Rest in peace Uncle Ralph, may each day and night those that miss and love someone in Heaven remember.... They are with us, always. Amen

11/18/13

When you make up your mind and decide you are going to do something,  What do you do when you know that it is uncomfortable and scary, and know that it's something you have to do alone? Do you look at the experience and embrace it, or do you want to run and not experience it? I let the time continue by and it made it seem okay.... Time ran out and now it seems I have a clear choice, take that very scary step or keep that wall up.  No matter what is going on, I am trying to remember I am not alone even when I am...I am grateful for the support I will have after.
Dear Heavenly Father,
May the decisions I face professionally, internally, and personally be made clear in your wisdom and less painful by the moment.
Amen

11/17/13

 Tonight I am grateful for those that care.  It has been difficult sometimes and today was one of them.  Walking in and hearing so many say "where have you been?" I know its out of concern, but it makes it even harder.  I was thinking it and then afterward I heard it, "You're here, sometimes thats enough!"  Today that was enough- it had to be!!! To walk out and receive a voice mail from a new family member, was amazing.  Thank you to those that care... It means a lot.  Even if I am not showing it, I care about you too!

11/16/13

Tonight I am grateful for sleepless nights.  Yes, I am grateful for the little sleep that we have had.  It makes you think and makes you wake up and want to make changes.   When you open yourself up to what is out there, you will get what you want and some.
Dear Father in Heaven,
November 16 will always be the heavenly birthday for my Uncle Ralph.  He came to you peacefully in his sleep and I know above all you welcomed the greatest man I knew.  His smile would brighten the cloudiest of days, his gentleness would wipe away any fears, may each of us know this angel will forever be watching over us.
Amen

11/15/13

Have you ever wondered what you are supposed to learn from a specific situation?  It seems that the last several weeks,  I am questioning just that in MANY aspects of my life.  I am at that point, really things need to start being a little more clear on what I am to learn.  I am very grateful for what I have, and for those in my life....
Dear Heavenly Father,
As the weekend approaches and many changes occur, I ask that you give me the wisdom to get through these situations.  May I feel not only your Glorious embrace, but that of those who love and care for me and allow myself to embrace the help from them.
Amen

11/14/13

Grateful to have those amazing people in my life.  It is a blessing, a true blessing to know how many people are not only there for me, but are whispering (and in some cases screaming) my name in God's ear.  I do feel a bit overwhelmed from many aspects of my life, trying to make it through.  I will try and try some more to make it better tban ever before.
Dear Heavenly Father,
On this Thankful Thursday, I am thankful for those in my life.  I especially adore the opportunity to be loved- may we all wake up tomorrow feeling a love truer than true.
Amen

11/13/13

Today was one of those days that we all must go through to see the light.  In the long run, it's what has to happen.  I am grateful for this lesson.  I am trying very hard to find the pieces to this puzzle called life and put them together with the least amount of tattered edges. 

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thankful Thursday is approaching, please help me and those around me to see all we have been given and to give You and those around us, the Thanks that is deserved.

Amen

11/12/13

When you feel lost, where do you turn? It seems I can't see land.  Feeling like I just can't, instead the water is rising around me.  I am throwing up my flare.  Perhaps soon, I will see the light and figure out how to do things right.
"The dawn from on high will break upon us"
Dear Heavenly Father,
May tomorrow, we awaken with the clarity of what we all need.
Amen

11/11/13

Thank you to ALL (nearest to my heart, my sister Emmy) the men and women who are fighting each day past, present, and future for our freedoms. May God Bless and may you always know how much we thank you.



When I think "I get it" something switches and I realize I didn't have a clue.  I would give just about anything to be up at the retreat house walking this right now.  I feel so lost and need clarity.

11/10/13

Today I am thankful for the opportunity to talk and to be encouraged to think and the time to write.
When your a child, we learn who will take care of you and who will dissapoint you. Some do not intend to, but do let you down.  I feel I had both in my life.  I was young, there were things I needed.  People tried but it really never happened.  Now today people want to and I am not receptive to it.  I have been asked to think about this and to write it down.
My father was in my life for 26 years and although he was a father, I would not say he was ever a dad.  There are many times dissapointment came with each interaction.  And Although I had my mom till I was ten, there seems to be a nurturing void.  I cannot remember for sure when her illness started, I have small recallection of incidents as young as six of her not being able to do things because she was too sick.   I do not doubt she loved us, but from stories, I do not feel she was overly nurturing.  Relatives or friends tried and as I entered school, my teachers started caring for me.  After my mom died, the closeness towards others over family was there even more.  Whatever attention I needed, they tried to give me.  Many of which I dreamed would adopt me.  Dissapointment when reality would set in.  Today, they are still very important to me.
My father's desire to be married and have someone in our lives non stop did not help to fill the void, it only caused bigger voids.  As more people came in more left.  Each time it just kept making the void larger.  Wanting to please was soon replaced with defiance.  Then it was easier to please "myself".  I took care of me because no one else was going to be able to.
II knew the feelings I always had but felt I couldn't really be me.  I went into a relationship knowing it wasn't fulfilling. I heard for many years that I was not capable of many things loving and caring for others was one of them. I believed that for many years.  Even questioning the love I express to my children. I know people say I am loving and caring.  But it is difficult sometimes to feel like Im nurturing enough. I had to think long and hard about the love I feel in my relationships to make sure it was not me just trying to fill that void... It was recently that I found I can be me and that I am more than capable of expressing this with someone I am not only friends with but in love with.
It is more than that, it is a love that is truer than any other I have experienced,  It is real.
When I was asked to describe myself, beyond overall sensitive- I couldnt.  I wanted to run.  I started to talk later about what it feels like to allow someone in and to accept help.  It is so uncomfortable to not only think about it, but to really allow it is so difficult.  I promised to not only think but to really try because I do care about us.
May we all sleep well tonight and remember to thank the veterans for the chance to sleep with both eyes shut.
Amen

11/9/13

I am grateful for people who care about others.  Yes, this seems like a simple thing- yet it means the world to each of us when someone cares.  If we all had a magic mirror that would show what was deep inside, what would it show about you? When we open up and let people in, no matter how scary- it feels good.  To "let go" of the control and the fears, to not let someone in just for the need to please- is a nice feeling.  Knowing what someone needs even when they cannot express it, is a wonderful trait.  I am blessed.

May we each wake up to a super spiritual Sunday and say something spectacular to someone.
Amen

11/8/13

I am grateful for unconditional love.  When someone is willing to love you on the darkest of nights, it helps to bring the morning light brighter into the day.  We have this from God.  When we are at our lowest points you never know who God will give us to help us...
Dear Father in Heaven,
I am blessed. May we all have a fabulous Friday.
Amen

11/7/13

I am grateful for many people, last night:

I am grateful for my neighbors, Denise and Charlie... Thank you for giving me the opportunity to go out.

I am grateful for: Kellie who not only is by my side, was there to take me tonight.

I am grateful for: Pastor Mary who not only is rooting me on through faith, delivered yet another profound homily from the Holy Spirit.

Just before going to the healing service I received an email about a possible experience that emphasizes healing.  We then heard about it through:

At the Potter’s House

This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: 2 “Go down to the potter’s house, and there I will give you my message.” 3 So I went down to the potter’s house, and I saw him working at the wheel. 4 But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him

Jeremiah 18:1-1-4

As Pastor Mary explained, our lives are not set as good or bad.  We will go through times in our lives where the clay needs to be molded into a new pot.   As things are sometimes dkffkcult to process, we should always keep in mind that God is here to be with us.

Father in Heaven,

As we approach this Thursday, may we show how thankful we are to not only You, but to those around us.  

Amen            

11/6/13

Everything does happen for a reason.  The choices I made, I will have to live with the consequences.  Yesterday I allowed the emotions override the part of my brain that knows I have responsibilities.
Gratitude:  "The quality of being thankful, readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness."  

Time to get back to remembering why I am grateful. 

I am grateful that God is an important force in my life. I am thankful for those I am blessed enough to have and love in my life.
Today I will try to not only find the new path, but to travel down it knowing that I am not alone.  Not only do I have God, and a fantastic friend and family support, I also have a wonderful woman with whom I cherish the memories and look forward to the dreams we share for the future.
Dear Father in Heaven,
May we all awaken to see your Glorious day ahead.  May each of us know what it feels like to have Your embrace and feel that you are walking beside us on this journey.
Amen

7/18/13

Today the temp outside was 99 where I was, the heat index made it 107 and in my office it was about 115.... the apartment is around 78.... and although it's not helping my headache to go away... I'm grateful to make it through another day, Thanks be to God.
This morning's message was:
Today is the perfect day to thank those thoughtful people in your life. Think of the times when they took the time to touch your life in a tremendous way. There are at least three in all of our lives.... There could be more... Who will you start with today, perhaps the one who gave us this day????
How did you do? I am grateful that I have so many people in my life that have helped to teach me many valuable lessons...and to pick me up and throw me back in after I have learned the lessons....both positive and negative.  As I was reminded when I thanked someone for being one of these people... "As you've done for so many others and as others have done for me..." If we continue to be there for each other, we will all be better off.  Above all remember "The sign of God is that we will be led where we did not plan to go." Nothing is meant to be easy.  So as you take the next step to reaching out to someone whether it is someone you just need to say something to or someone you have not spoken to in years... remember, you must cross the path of comfortableness in order to reach what you want.
Dear Heavenly Father,
As we get ready to end another week and begin the weekend... May we all remember to THANK GOD (for real) It's Friday.... May we all try to live in a way that will Glorify Your name and life each other up instead of leaving each other in the sand.
Amen

7/17/13

This morning I sent out this quick little message.....

"Today is a new day. It is a fresh start for what ails your mind. Take a pause look around, make a list of the things you can or need to do and tackle them one thing at a time. To avoid becoming overwhelmed, don't look at the overall picture.... Take each item one at a time. When you feel yourself going back under the water.... look up to God, you will be raised out of the water. It is "hump day" -the beginning of the rest of the week... Make it a Wondrous Wednesday!!"

So how did you do? I can tell you that I asked God to lift me up more than once today.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Please use Your Amazing Grace to lift me up above.  Take away the fears, ease the pain, and help me to deal with these things once and for all.  Help my friends and family whom are speding many moments worrying and in pain.
Amen

7/16/13

Dear Heavenly Father,

Please provide us all with peace through Your Grace.

Amen 

7/11/13

Have you ever felt like a moment in time can define how you are for the rest of the time...? I never knew that an hour could take so much out of me.  I have been asked before and told by many not to think or worry about what others say, rather to think how that impacts me.  Some how tho being asked tonight about these things.. was really harsh.  The person who really cracked the shell was the one person I wanted to talk to the most.  Having that same person say how I shut down and do not tell her things that are in my head, was difficult. Hearing and feeling the impact aftermath was really the impact I needed.  I will continue to open up and I will continue to be responsive to hearing the truths- perhaps from my own mouth....  

7/10/13

Have you ever woken up and thought this life in front of you... was all a dream or even a nightmare?  This morning I was able to do many things all before I arrived at work @8:20... it's like it was all a dream this morning.  The more time I spend with an amazing woman, the more I feel like my life is a wonderful dream...There may be times and situations that I feel overwhelmed or unable to "relax" or feel "on edge"... but really I am seeing the happiness within myself and I love that.  Tomorrow, I plan on trying to be even happier...... after all, only I am in charge of that...

7/7/13

This weekend has been difficult. To say I have been emotional is an understatement.  Today I woke up feeling a lot of mixed emotions.  I am excited for my gf.  Even tho our plans changed completely, I am grateful I got to spend time with her this weekend.  It was bitter sweet going to church today.  I was happy to be serving, sad she wasn't with me, and nervous about the Baptism.  I may not have been on the mark or even said everything right... but when I read the Scripture, I not only read it, I felt it.. . I ENJOYED reading it. I would even venture into saying I love it.  I am proud of myself for not giving up... there have been times that I had to push myself even more to get up and read.... and I am grateful to always have an encouraging word and hug from Pastor Mary at the end.

I was thinking after service today about how this could be related to some other things going on in my head....  Yes, there are plenty of things I would prefer to run away from.  There are fears that I am afraid are going to get me....  I just need to keep telling myself.. there are things I want in life both for me and for my kids and therefore giving in... is not an option.

I will work even harder to not let the emotions, fears, or stress weigh me down and take control.  I will embrace the new situation and take it for what it's worth.... a new beginning for all those involved... May this weekend come to a wonderful close and may the next week provide a world of opportunities for everyone.... Monday morning coming near... make it magnificent... 

7/3/13

So this morning, I was able to get up and go to mid week service with the woman I love.  This was a nice feeling.  Then it seemed like for a little bit.. I was able to forget about all of things that have been clogging my overly fried brain.... then it happened.... we went on a bike ride in the trails of shark river park... I would like to say.. I went willingly..... the boys on the other hand... well they were already HOT, TIRED, and having issues.... then and I mean after all of that... we got turned around and if we had a boat originally we could have turned ourselves into the next generation of Gilligan's Island.... Okay yes, I know it wasn't that bad.. but when you have one kid go down the trail and fall and the other who isn't used to actual physical activity... it felt like a lifetime.. and oh yeah I barely made it in time to get Mackenzie and get Jordan home in time to shower and get dressed (he was getting dressed as his dad walked in to get him).... Then I was able to finally get all the mud off of me.. and get my laundry in washer and into the dryer.. just in time to walk to meet Kellie to get to service... (okay I was actually late for service) ... but made it there as quickly as I could...
Now between this morning's service and the healing service.. I can say that I am blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life who not only support me.. but actually give a darn about me.. I am blessed... THANK YOU... I am grateful to see the response to the prayers being ask of God.. and I am trying to understand the current struggles I must face.  Thank you for the listening ears and the advice given tonight.. .I am trying to NOT listen to what is being said and to really understand that when someone is so miserable.. it's hard to see someone so happy.... guess what too bad.. I am happy, "I am loud and proud of that!!!!" My children have always been and will always remain my top priority to say anything else will only cause you discomfort.  As you celebrate the 4th of July, May we all stop and think about those who are fighting for us and be thankful....

Dear Father in Heaven,
Please help those who feel it's important to trash others to see that it does not help them to look any better than they are.  Please help those who are on the receiving end of the words and looks to know they have control and to not allow anyone else to run their life.  Please watch over and protect all those who have to make tough decisions and all those on the receiving end of news they may not want to hear.  Please continue to watch over those over seas and protecting us....
Amen

6/30/13

Found this picture on facebook tonight.. as I was sitting trying to think about how I wanted to word today.... really all I can say is I am BLESSED.  

My goal this week is to remind myself (minute  by minute if needed) to follow this poster...

Not only do I thank you, I thank your friends and family for today.  Thank you, Kellie for including me.  Most of all thank you for feeling comfortable this afternoon.  That means more than any words.  I am truly blessed.  

Because of a wonderful woman, I was able to go and be part of the party... Thank you, Grace for having my back.... 

6/28/13

It's Friday morning June 28th and I have yet to finish my Thursday night.  I had a very busy yet nice day.  Just never stopped going. Started my day dropping Jordan for the last day of 6th grade and then Mackenzie off to play with her friends... to going for a walk and breakfast with Kellie...to cleaning the  large TIDE spill out of the carpet in my car... to lunch with a dear friend to church to change the sign and see Pastor Mary to a quick stop at kmart, then to get the kids and Jordan's friend to take them to the beach, then to drop his friend off, drop Jordan off and run over to get ice cream and last minute things for tomorrow's birthday party, then to coming home and dealing with many and I mean MANY disasters created by Mackenzie to then trying to find specific documents (only found one of four) to creating a giant mess and finding many photos, to bathing both cats (without getting scratched) to filling out physical forms for tomorrow, but no matter how exhausted I am.. I am feeling just completely blessed that I am here to do all of this... REALLY... I am exhausted and was frustrated tonight... but really grateful that I was given the opportunity to do all of that today.. Thank you, Lord.

Those in your life that are meant to be in your life for a very long time... will always remain there.. through thick and thin.... Today I had lunch with someone who has known me since before I knew me..lol literally she knew my entire family and taught me (reading) in elementary school... Tonight while looking for something ... I found pictures from her retirement party (1996)... I am so grateful to have such amazing people in my life.. You ALL know who you are..... Thank You!!! 

6/25/13

My day started out with going for a nice walk with my girlfriend and two dogs (her friend's dog came along) ... then I got the news that Mackenzie will be able to attend Kindergarten at the elementary school by her Godmother's house (her caretaker while I am a work) and then I ran around did errands for transportation for the kids, informing the district I will not be a sub in the fall, get Jordan from school, drop him at his friend's house and then I got to see my girlfriend again this afternoon for a quick HOT walk... and then quick dinner pick up kids and Jordan's friend and take them all to the beach where I got to see my girlfriend again with her son and his friend... The boys had a nice time (not too many outbursts from Jordan) and Mackenzie is getting a little more comfortable with the water... Perhaps the best was just the ability to be all together and just be us... it was the greatest feeling... thank you, Kellie...

6/24/13

2 years ago today My friends had twin boys... Today as they celebrate with Grady, their heart still breaks for the loss of Cullen.  I pray the pain will lessen for them.  Happy 2nd Birthday, Grady and Cullen.. I pray that you felt each other at your celebrations.....
This morning I woke up although very tired, with  the mindset that today was going to be a better day and I would start the week out on a positive note.
Friday afternoon in the middle of the craziness, I received a call asking me to come in and speak to someone regarding a position on Monday.  The short story of it all.. I accepted the position and start working on Monday.  I once again thanked the Holy Spirit after as an email came just as I was walking into the meeting (I did not see it till after).  This position is not what I thought was on my plan.. .I did not apply for this position... but it found me and I am grateful for the opportunity and what it means for my future.  It came at a time in my life where I was losing hope and needed something "to give"... Its not that I was losing faith in God's plan.. I was losing faith and hope in my ability to deal with everything.   I am grateful.
Dear Heavenly Father,
As you celebrated both his birthday and his Heavenly birthday with Cullen, may his family feel your loving embrace as they move forward.  May my own children feel your embrace as we continue on with the struggles and celebrate the triumphs.  May we each awaken to this Tuesday thinking of those that have taught us many valuable lessons.... and thank them.  Amen

6/23/13

This morning was one of those days, that as a parent you want to roll over, pull the covers back over your head and say, "No, we are not getting out of bed today... go back to sleep!"  After what I think was the most horrifying experience I have ever had at church.... after apologizes were said to Pastor Mary, we left- in tears.  So yes, today was one of those days where I knew a  LEARNING moment was in front of me...  and once again... I failed this portion of the test.  Someone reminded me.. YOU are the mom here...
I know a lot of my son's behaviors and emotions he cannot control and I need to have more patience. However, on the other hand, my daughter is taking control of the family and they are both walking all over me.
As this weekend comes to a close and I once again say I'm sorry to Pastor Mary and the entire congregation of Holy Trinity... I pray that I will start out this next week with a clear head to see what I should and should not do in order to live my life in a way that will  do right by my children and Glorify Our Father...
Amen

6/22/13

The Great people in our life walk around in circles and up and down with us....
Yesterday was one of those days that I had hoped not to ever have again... But I am learning that though someone chooses to make my life difficult.. HOW I react to it, is what's important.  I did stand my ground.  I did fight for my children and I DID do it for the right reasons.  Not to be spiteful, not for revenge... but simply because it's time I stood up for myself and not let anyone walk over or bully me any longer.  I tried so hard not to listen to the insults (and there were MANY), I tried really hard not to throw any back (THAT WAS DIFFICULT!!) Instead I really tried to state the facts only.  This is something I am trying to focus on....as I know this is only going to be more challenging!!!!!
I thank you,  Diana for your listening and advice yesterday.... REALLY thank you!!! and Kellie, for not only listening but welcoming the change in plans, loving me and my kids, and helping me to forget even for just a little bit. Thank you!!!Kellie this picture is for you... this is what I was telling you about from the retreat... I really wish I was walking one now....
Last Wednesday, I was asked to come up with goals... I laughed and said can't you tell me??? I do not like this kind of stuff.. but YES, I have come up with some pretty important goals of things I need to do for me... to allow me to be healthy both mentally and physically... for not only me.. but for my children and for the relationship that I wish to have a future with... those are THREE REALLY good reasons.

6/19/13

Today I started my day hearing an amazing message retold and given the Pastor Mary touch.  It was exactly what I needed to hear this morning.  To be reminded to look to God as He is there for me.  As I took a step tonight to doing something for me... I thought about the two people who encouraged me to put myself first and to go... I am so grateful for the gentle yet firm push.  I did have a blessed evening!! May tomorrow morning we think of those we want to thank and tell them.....

6/16/13

So today is Father's Day.   10 years ago, I stopped talking to my father.  it seems hard to believe that it was actually this date.. but I believe it was... There are things in life we all do and sometimes we regret them... I do not regret this decision, do I feel badly my children do not know their grandmother or grandfather, yes. Do I hate that this exact same thing was done to me as a child by my father, yes.  Do I think he had felt he was making a right decision, sure... after meeting my family though.. I do not agree... I have been honest with my children.  They know their grandfather is alive (I never knew I had family).  I have been honest to the reasons I will not allow him in their lives.  I am grateful for other people who have stepped up and filled in the roles left behind...
Side bar: (My day started out at 4am... I had very little sleep, Jordan isn't feeling well, Mackenzie was up at 6 and I still did not know how I would be handling the fact that I had the kids.. they were supposed to be with their dad before I went to church...)  Before leaving I sent out texts wishing every Father I knew (except my own) a Happy Father's Day... and a dear friend sent me this back... " Happy day to a wonderful woman doing the job of 2."  The tears came immediately... thank you Jim.  I then sent that to many of my single mom friends who in all honesty whether the fathers of their children are in their lives or not... they are the father 99% of the time daily.
When I walked into church this morning I wished Pastor Arnie a Happy Father's Day.... I learned I was serving alone, I found out the lesson quickly started looking for words that would trip me up and Pastor Arnie came back in... He said something to me about it and I said, "I am a little stressed right now...." he wanted to know why.. I simply said, "I wasn't supposed to have my children this morning.." To which he said, "Happy Father's Day to you!!"  I thanked him and said he was the second person who said that to me.. and he said you do the job of both...  it meant a lot- thank you, Pastor Arnie. It was a pleasure serving with Pastor Arnie again,  I served for our Father today..... I read the lesson, the prayers, gave Pastor Arnie Communion and the wine...and held the wine..... Couldn't think of a better way to say Happy Father's Day.....A thank you to Cindy....It was nice to have my friend up there with me holding the other cup... (which I normally hold)....
Also a special wish to my girlfriend, as you get the mark today of your heart beating on.... may you always remember that I love you...
As you finish up your Father's Day celebrations remember to thank our Father for whom gave us this day (not Hallmark).  Amen

6/15/13

Wasn't home last night and where I was, the Internet wasn't working (NOT EVEN ON MY PHONE). Yesterday, I made a much needed call, for me.  I pray it will be the beginning of good things.. and know to keep the faith as I am doing what I need to- in order to move forward.
As I sit here and reflect on the last two days..I think about how grateful I am that I woke up to be with those I love.  May we all wake up tomorrow with the same feeling of gratitude and thank our Father in Heaven for giving us another day....and to all those dads out there, "Happy Father's Day!" -Amen

6/13/12

As I get ready for bed I sit here thinking of those who spend their nights away from those they love.  They sleep in uncomfortable positions and wonder if in the morning light they will awaken and if they do, if their friends next to them will... I sit here thinking of those who fight for all the freedom we have.  Today as I walked into the store, I saw two servicemen walking out... I went out of my way, to thank them for serving.... and they thanked me....
It really is amazing to me that every service person has always thanked me for thanking them.... God Bless America....
As we awaken to another Flag day... let's not forget what the flag stands for: ..http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q65KZIqay4E
Dear Heavenly Father,
Please help each of us to see what you have given us and support those who are protecting it for us each day.  Amen

6/12/13

Tonight I put this message on the Church sign....
YOUR FAITH SAVES YOU;
     GO IN PEACE.  Luke 7:50
How appropriate.  So two weeks ago, a conversation led to some painful realizations.  The weird thing, I knew before going in it was probably my last conversation with this person.  Which is why by the end, it was even more upsetting.  When I left the conversation, my first thought was to run and never look back.  I started  to withdraw from those I care about and allowed feelings to take over.  I recalled the conversation and LISTENED to the suggestions.  I prayed and heard how I was worrying my girlfriend.  My Faith allows me to love.... it saves me.... I know as I go forward, my life will be more in peace as long as I keep my Faith.
May we wake up on Thursday and share how thankful we are for the Faith we have.
Amen

6/11/13

Hard to believe that two months  ago I decided I could not write my blag until I could feel free to say some things.  The last two months have been the most amazing and the most challenging all at the same time.  In my lowest of lows today, I finally took the step toward doing something for me... then tonight someone said perhaps it's time you get all that negative out of you and get back to remembering all the positives.....
I decided awhile ago that I was going to be happy and live for who I am. Not what I thought I should be.   I am in love.. this person has spent many months getting to know me for who I am and caring for me anyway.  This person has accepted the bad that comes along with the good and helps to smack it into my head that there is good that I have spent so many years denying and ignoring.  This person has taken many risks and proven that I am "WANTED."  On days like today when it's even more difficult to be around me.... this person says, "I am not going anywhere, and neither are you!" It is because of this person that tonight I feel I can write this and say, I do not care who knows.. I am in love.... with a wonderful person... thank you Kellie.   I have found I can be happy and though some do not agree or feel it's wrong or against "their" religion... It is who I am, and I am proud of who I am.  If I can show my children that it does not matter who your in love with as long as you treat that person well and that person treats you well...... than I guess I am not messing up as badly as I thought.
Dear Heavenly Father,
As I allowed this darkness in my body, I left the trust and faith for the plan you have behind. I ask that you forgive me for straying and not placing my fears, doubts, and sadness into Your hands.  I ask that you continue to guide me down this path and that "the dawn from on high will break upon us" as we awaken to a wondrous Wednesday.  Please keep Emmy and all those protecting us safe and out of harms way.
Amen

4.10.13

Today has been a VERY challenging day... thank you, Aunt Lynn for the reminder...Tomorrow I shall try to do better..... However, during my dinner prayers.. the children asked me why I thanked God for them... and I said that though I do not always like their behaviors.. I am still grateful for them. Take the time to watch this... well worth it...
http://www.facebook.com/JustForLaughsGags

4.7.13

What an amazing day.  Thank you, God.  Mackenzie and I, woke up with a sore throat and nose half stuffy and half running.  We took some medicine and went to church.  I served as a communion assistant and Jordan served as an acolyte.... Mackenzie sat in the pew (beautifully) with my friend (this is good practice for next Sunday when Jordan receives communion for the first time).  Pretty proud of how well behaved she was...  I am also pretty proud of myself... I read a lesson without turning red and I didn't mess up.  I am getting more comfortable... before my sweet California friend sends me the "you should look into a career in....."YES, I enjoy what I am doing and am happy serving in this capacity.... at this time in my life... as Pastor Mary recently preached... "It is enough".
After church, I purchased new bikes for Jordan and I.. we already went out for a family ride and I am excited for the exercise they will provide... It's good there is a "free" corner in my living room to store them..lol Mackenzie has requested her training wheels be removed... soon! May Monday morning merge with meaningful messages... Make it magnificent.

4.3.13

Starting with God, If we are with God, we know we are appreciated for who we are.  Tonight I was given two great opportunities... 1. To share with a loved one a healing service at my church.  Little did I know when I saw the candles were not lit, it meant I would be assisting. 2. It was a last minute thing, no time to panic.  I did the best I could (without my reading glasses) and I did alright.  It really is an honor to be assisting someone so amazing. The most amazing, yet terrifying moment was when I realized I would have to lay my hands on Pastor Mary and I was so nervous... I could barely read the words and it was just a mind blowing experience.  After the service, the comment "another thing under your belt".... made me smile... Just yesterday, I said how much I have done thanks to the encouragement and gentle pushing from Holy Trinity (mainly Pastor Mary)... it's amazing.  I am so grateful and I would volunteer to do it again... it really was a wonderful experience, and it made it even more special, that I was able to share it with someone I care about.

3.31.13

Today started out with posting the final Lenten Devotion for 2013.  From Pastor Mary.  As Lent ends, I think about all that I did and how happy I was doing it.  It really was an amazing experience, much like this past year... I made decisions that I could live with.. and though sometimes, it was hectic... it was my hectic.   I stepped up and did things I thought I never would or felt I couldn't do.  A year ago my children attended church for the first time...a year later my 11yr old son, served as an usher and my daughter sang a solo that was proposed just one week ago. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yX7Wz_coBYs&sns=em We saw sister Helen,  then we went out for breakfast, finally we came home and did nothing.  This is the first Easter we did not go anywhere or do anything.  It gave me a lot of time to reflect on a spectacular sermon.  There is a running joke between a friend and I about zombies and cemeteries.. today Pastor Mary spoke about the fact that when our loved ones are deceased they are not in the cemetery, they have moved on...  I go to the cemetery where my mom is, and I feel nothing.  I feel closer to her sitting here and thinking about her... yet I cannot walk in a cemetery without being "weird-ed out" I don't know... maybe one day I will "grow up"...lol A friend spoke about spreading her sisters ashes today with 7 other people.. the wind blew and she was the only one the ashes blew onto... I told her I truly believe that was her sister's way of saying no matter how we think we are "letting people go"... they tell us they are always here.   Walking into the church this morning, I looked at my daughter who was tired and not feeling well and asked her if she wanted to sing (she told us on Friday... she was NOT)... I felt my mom there in the choir loft as she sang.. I did not feel her in the pew with us.. but in the loft..
May we all remember Many people are with us...to be Marvelous to each other Monday morning...

3.27.13

When you do something unexpected,  for nothing more than to help make someone feel happy... it's so much fun!!! With all the coldness outside... it is nice to bring a bit of serenity inside... To brighten someone's day and to see her so excited over something so simple... really is priceless!!!! Thank you, to my partners in crime (Hilary and Frank) for taking part in the mission last night...
Today was filled with MANY challenges... but all throughout the day.. I remembered the reaction to the surprise and it helped to make it less challenging.  Knowing I would have dinner with a friend was something to look forward to.... deciding to go to the inlet for the first time since Sandy... well was a HUGE hurdle tonight. For me to suggest it.. shows how much....

3.26.13

"And this is the will of him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all those he has given me, but raise them up at the last day. For my Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day.
John 6:39-40

Mission Accomplished... Yes, I will tell what this actually means tomorrow... but for now... today was filled with getting things done... I am really grateful for my side kick who helped to accomplish many tasks today... Kellie it's like being with Mary Poppins.... You just never know how much fun your going to have with you... Thank you.
Tackled the Good Morning, Good Friday scavenger hunt list... I must say I think getting all but one item.. pretty darn good...as the kids (we shall see who watched noggin) would sing... "I used my noggin today"....  Pleased with myself and helped take the load off of other people.... feeling pretty good... really happy and ready to start my Wednesday, in a wonderful way.... Worship with Pastor Mary... woo hoo!!!    I am grateful for this opportunity as always it's possible because of Carol and I am sooo thankful to you!!!!
May we all awaken and find it a wonderful Wednesday!!!

3.25.13

Each night I log on and I begin to type... and sometimes words actually form.  Last night I had high hopes again.... but exhaustion set in.  Today someone responded to an older post and said how my blog helps people... I commented that it has been difficult to write and she said she did not write me to tell me to write... but I took it as the Holy Spirit giving me the encouragement to write again... Thanks PB!!
I am grateful to many people who helped to make yesterday not only manageable but fun.  Thank you especially to Carol and Kellie... without you both... I would have been crazier than normal!!!
All the kids had fun dying their eggs and it was nice to not feel totally responsible for it all... It was nice to have help, Kellie-Thank you!
What made the day was Mackenzie going to have "Easter" with her friends.... I am sorry I missed it, but am so grateful to you all for giving her a little bit of normal, Urbans- Thank you!!!
This morning tho she was still very tired and shy (not really cooperative)  I am really torn as a parent as to how to handle this... She is being asked to sing a solo on Easter Sunday and it's a song she knows pretty well.   She went to practice "singing into the microphone" today.. and lets just say.... well watch for yourself..lol.... I had to bribe her to even sing it... I felt bad... the music director asked her to do this, rode her bike in the yucky weather (she said this to Mackenzie to try to get her to sing) and I had to make it earlier so I could get stuff done before having to be at work...  She finally sang it... but then when we got in the car.. she REALLY sang it... seriously.  I know if she does not do it.. it will be an issue with her.. and if she does.. we never know what we will get... she could sing it really awesome... or we could get this Mackenzie...

When I look at my child(ren) acting like this.. I think what would my mom say or do if she were here? Would I be a better mom if she were around? I know-what's the point of thinking like this...? I will stop and be grateful for where my life is... Really I am grateful- Thanks Be to God!!!!

3.21.13

You know it can't be all that good.. when I can't really talk.. this has been happening the last few days.  I just can't seem to say what I want or need to say.   I was able to write some.. and for that I am grateful.  I started this blog as a way to show how grateful I am, for the blessings I have in my life... everyday we should be saying thank you.. and even when I feel overwhelmed or defeated.. I am really grateful.

Tonight my friend posted on FB about her friend's child... "REST IN PEACE sweet Cayson. You gave an amazing fight for 7 months. You will NEVER be forgotten. (his mom's name was here) you friend, are in my thoughts......you're sweet boy is flying high with Cullen, in a superhero cape ♥..."

Tonight I ask you Lord to welcome Cayson into your ever so amazing arms and hold his parents and loved ones so close as you welcome yet another baby for Cullen to play with.
Amen

In Memory of Heaven Angel, Cullen (pic) with his Earth Angel Grady and now another Heaven Angel, Cayson.. please make a donation to March of Dimes http://www.marchforbabies.org/cullenveals&bt=24

3.20.13

What an amazing feeling to be able to experience something with someone you care about.  To have a friend who is interested in being a part of the things you enjoy and want to do them with you, is priceless.  It meant so much to share this experience and be with my faith family as well.  Tomorrow take time to thank three terrific people... tell them!!!

3.19.13

Today started with this message: "Good Morning, May the verses we sang, put an extra "warm" feeling on this chilly day.  And the dampness be a reminder to come in and be present to the Lord." Today I took my little girl and my friend and we spent the morning just us girls.  We had a nice breakfast and then went ice skating.. Mackenzie's first time on the ice and my first time not falling on the ice (only fell once).  It was an amazing morning and I am so appreciative that my friend shared this time with us.  It is a lot easier to go ice skating with another set of hands to hold or to take pictures/videos... My big girl did a fantastic job... really, really proud of her...  All three of us had an amazing time... it was an awesome morning and really great to see a real smile on my baby's face again...and on mine.