12.31.12

It's almost midnight. we had a great time with our friends tonight and look forward to 2013.. Thank you God for giving us so many opportunities to Glorify Your name..   May we all find the time to help one another in the upcoming year and help each other to have Peace and remember we are never alone...
Happy New Year to one and all!!!!!!

12.30.12

Please God forgive us.  Feeling so guilty and bad.  Two weekends in a row not attending service.  Thankfully we did make it to Christmas services...If today was a normal Sunday, I would have made it for the 10:30... but with only one service and the kids having such a rough night of sleep.. I had to let them sleep... heck.. I needed to sleep.  I can't shake this cough.. seems to be getting worse, rather than better though it's not all in my head anymore.. feeling a little more clear headed as they say...
I am preparing my apartment for my friends and their children to come bring in 2013 at a kid friendly house.  I am grateful to have the company and the kids have a blast.  It seems so weird how much has changed in just one year.... and how much more will change in the upcoming year as well.  
The morning whispers commentary today was so awesome.. I wanted to share it with everyone.. if you do not know what morning whispers is.. and want to.. just send me a message and I will forward it to you....
"The spiritual journey is rarely straight. Rather it is full of winding turns, steep inclines and treacherous cliffs. God is always willing to walk with us and prepare the way.

Why go alone?"
- John Gaudreau.
As we go about preparations of sending 2012 away... let's remember we are not alone and do not need to do anything without guidance from above.  Look to the Lord for the path can be made clear...  Please friends... be safe where you go tomorrow... STAY safe and watch out for others.  Do not let those you see get behind a wheel.... each life is precious we are all God's children.
Amen

12.29.12

Thank you JJ for my special delivery of hot bread pudding.  trying new things- sometimes can be fun :-) so yummy and comforting....  Perhaps as we settle down, we may say good night to the rain and then good morning to the snow.... PLEASE.... 

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for providing us all with the nourishment we seek.  Many of us could never fully appreciate your greatness and can only pray to receive what we are lacking.  As I begin to feel better (I hope) I pray that all those who are not well (in the hospital, rehab or at home) feel better soon, all those who are traveling, find their way safe and sound, all those who are looking for work find 2013 to be a new beginning and as my daughter says every night, all of our friends and family, all of the animals, Pastor Mary, Pastor Arnie (I will insert Pastor Beth) and their families too are all kept in your embrace and receive answers to their prayers.  

Amen

12.28.12

Dear Heavenly Father,
With all your given beauty, I thank you for the opportunity to try to live my life in a way that will Glorify Your name.  I also thank you for your Greatness.  I've been told I possess Grace and Strength... I'm not sure I agree, do you? I pray to feel your peace and exhibit the patience and wisdom these circumstances require.  May the answers I seek be a little more visible, please.  Please keep my children in your embrace and help guide them along this journey as well while helping us to understand the emotions that go along with each bend.
Amen

12.27.12

Dear Heavenly Father,
I am so grateful to you for all your greatness.  I appreciate the path in which I was not expecting that I am on.... Please help me to see my way through the darkness so that I may see Your dawn.
Amen

12.26.12

I sat in the wilderness for two hours looking for God's message.  I heard the rain hitting on the windshield and I prayed for the Holy Spirit to fill me with Strength and Grace.  I know that I asked for this, It was not thrust upon me, for I made the decisions and must live with the outcome.   Working on feeling the rage and grieving the loss while supporting the children.
Thank you to my friend for the support tonight as always.... love you.


*Wilderness reference PM 12.8/9 Sermon

12.25.12

Happy Birthday, Jesus... Merry Christmas to all.  This morning was bitter sweet.  I am so grateful to have the opportunity to wake up with my children. After I dropped my children off for their first Christmas without both their parents in the same room,  I thought a lot about the CT families along, with those families affected by Sandy, the service men and women, their families  and my own friend who spent the last two days in the hospital instead of home with her children.  Selfless acts are a perfect reminder of what each and every one of us can do, not just this time of year, but throughout.
I am a bit emotional now and after I dropped them off, the more people asked where the children were, I couldn't control it... I kept trying to hide the feelings and the tears.  I put on the robe and got the courage I needed... I read two prayers and said the dismissal... (I know a lot for me especially in a week... but there were only 21 people including us).  The focus on Jesus and this service was exactly what I needed.  I am grateful to not only Pastor Mary for asking me, to Grace for doing all the difficult parts and to Pastor Arnie for his very sweet email telling me how he thought I did.... it was a really great feeling to be there... although I was nervous, I never looked up and yes, I did have a red face..lol.... Going to see Les Miserables was an amazing movie... brought me back to HS and seeing the play...
To conclude my  gratitude for the day...to the Urbans for welcoming me to their Holiday table  and always making me feel part of the family.  You are all amazing and I am so grateful for you all.
May we all find peace in the coming days....and share the joy with someone new..

12.24.12

As Everyone says.. see Christmas through the eyes of a child.. This picture was from the video of the kids opening up their gift from a sweet friend.  They were so excited to get a dream lite.... I bet the batteries are dead before morning....lol
Ahhhh the children are nestled all snug in their bed.. .no visions dancing in their heads tho... they are still awake...lol  After Ten and I know Jordan is still up... but seriously so much more to do to prepare for tomorrow.. .really need some snoring to happen... This year before we read Twas... we read a Christmas Eve prayer and I am so grateful...
As I sit here in silence.. I said thank you for helping Dave come out of surgery alright and a prayer for my friend and her family as her mom will now have surgery tomorrow.
I sit here and think of what tomorrow will bring... It is so awesome to think of how different I feel this year about Christmas now that I have put Christ back where He belongs.  I am grateful that my children are learning and keep asking questions  or show they are listening.  Tonight, a statement, during Pastor Mary's Sermon... Mackenzie heard her saying something to which she said..."Mommy Jesus is watching us... You better be good!!!" This was all while she was making pictures for everyone (with the MANY sheets of paper she took from Pastor Mary... I found out after she was told to take six, but runs faster than Pastor Mary).  She did draw pictures for the very patient family behind us and for Pastor Mary and JJ and many others... all of whom  were going to get them from Pastor Mary because "she sees everyone"... priceless...  As we go to sleep and think of tomorrow morning may we stop and remember those families whom will not be spending the day with family members.. whether they are in the Service or in Heaven.... as this young child (posted on FB) wrote...

Merry Christmas To all and to all a Good Night...

12.23.12

I was so sad not attending service.  However, I am grateful to have the opportunity to worship the next two days... Today the children and I went into the city with our extended family.  All the children got the silly animal hats with the paws... Many people noticed them all in their new hats... During the congestion, we saw some very NICE and thoughtful people who could see the stress of us getting separated and made paths for all of us to stick together.  As the day unfolded and the medicine wore off, your guidance to try to stay calm was greatly appreciated.  I am grateful to the Urbans and appreciate everyone's patience.  Perhaps tonight.... this will be a shocker for most.. I am REALLY appreciating the SILENCE in the house.....

Dear Heavenly Father,
In all your wisdom and greatness you created a world filled with much beauty.  We witnessed today, a place that has hidden most of what you created with many man made items, the people were the true beauty.  It has never been my experience to run into so many friendly people in the City that never stops!!!!  However, today there were many.  I am grateful to everyone for their kindness.  Tomorrow is Christmas Eve... as we prepare for the celebration of Jesus' birth.... May we all show some extra kindness on the roads, in the stores, and with our own families....
Amen

12.22.12

Today I raced around for my family and in the end I left emotionally drained.  I am so grateful to my friends and for the words in the email that I received shortly thereafter...  I am sad to miss church but know I need to keep my children safe and know not to take any more chances after the lesson from the other night.. I try to think of what she would say and what advice she would give or the hug she would share. God protected us and I know it.   May God continue to watch over all of us and may the next few days of visiting family be peaceful for one and all....

12.20.12

On this the night before so many people think we will come to an end (tech in other parts we are already there people).. I'm sorry, perhaps you should already live your life like today is the last day.... Then how would you live it? What would you do then? I spent the day giving of myself in order to help others.  after all isn't that in the spirit of this season, giving others not getting...?
Today, I gave from my heart and I couldn't feel better.  When we are at our lowest,  when we are at our highest... He is there for us... We can see Him in many things, not in the tragedy in what happens after.
May we all go to sleep tonight with the reassurance that we are not alone, ever.

12.19.12

This morning I was reminded of the love and support (stone soup) I can and am acquiring in my new Faith family.  As I sit here "feeling" things.. I am grateful to the Holy Spirit.  She is once again sending me a guiding hand to help me "straight through it" and I am so grateful for the moments of not feeling alone.  Getting things done tonight with my friend was not only fun, it was a good reminder of the love of friends.  In life you can count your TRUE friends on one hand.(I have more than one hand).. I am truly blessed. May we all get through the night and awaken in the morning light saying Thank God for Thankful Thursday.  

12.18.12

As many people start to deal with a tragedy, anger and frustration emerge. Last few days I have seen a lot of this on facebook.  Last night a friend posted her beliefs on the fact that the weapons used in the CT shooting should be regulated.  A friend of hers went off on her post regarding this topic and down right almost making a joke about the fact that people want to regulate guns.  I would like to say I stayed quiet, I tried until the person kept going back at my friend.  I have NEVER been a fan of guns of any kind.  My son was in the fourth grade before I even allowed him to get a nerf gun, water gun or any other type of toy guns.  I do not believe that anyone needs the guns that were used and I feel pretty strongly that we need to have stricter guidelines.  I believe that the men and women who fight every day to give us the FREEDOMS that we quote so easily do not feel they should be giving up their lives so that every day civilians have the arsenal that the young man used.

Anyway, I am telling you this  for one specific reason..... after I was heated up and finally did post.... A post appeared and reminded me of what we should be thinking of right now....  My HS friend, gave permission to post this stating this is something we should be sharing... I could NOT agree more... 

This is a conversation between Lina and I last night after the news....
LINA: Mommy, did that guy really kill all those kids?
ME: Yes honey, It's very sad. (Tearing up)
LINA: Mommy, all those kids went to live in heaven with Jesus, right?
ME: Of course honey. 
LINA: Well, Mommy, Think of how happy Jesus is going to be to have all those new friends at his birthday party on Christmas!! 

Her daughter is FOUR.  May we all stop and remember that those who were lost will be rejoicing with Jesus in one week.   Thank you Jesus for Lina!

Amen

12.17.12

As I began this day, I said an extra prayer for the guidance to make it alright for all those I would be around today.  I understand that when I allow the fears to paralyze me, it's not living life..   Over the last month, I have heard many people say "Where is God", "How could A God allow this?" "Any God who does this, I do not want to believe in".... first over Hurricane Sandy then over the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School... I understand the frustration of not understanding these events, I understand the desperation of wanting answers... and I understand the need to "blame"... but I truly believe that when I blamed God for my mother's death and for other things, I was not living life.  I really have accepted that God is not to blame for bad things, God is with us ALL the time... during the good and the bad, God is the one constant if you allow... Of course this is my belief and I understand that you will have your own, I choose to believe this as He will provide what we need.
 2  I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
    apart from you I have no good thing.” 
11 You make known to me the path of life;
    you will fill me with joy in your presence,
    with eternal pleasures at your right hand.- Psalm 16

12.16.12

On this the third week of Advent, (Gaudete) Sunday,  I am really proud of Jordan (lighting the candles) and Mackenzie (reciting the prayer) for their participation (especially since I could not physically stand in front of the microphone) in the Advent wreath.  Afterward, it meant even more to me to see my children do it all, as a reminder of the innocence of children.  Then was time to watch my first pageant.   It really was sweet to see, especially after Friday's tragedy, a joyous celebration.  To see so many children involved in the celebration was amazing.  My niece and nephew (Emily and Alex) along with all the other children involved did a wonderful job.

Lesson heard...I had always taken down my tree on Christmas day.  Before you gasp, let me explain.  (if you knew where I lived for so many years you already understand) living in a basement apartment where the regular sized 5-6 ft REAL tree was literally blocking the kitchen cabinets from as early as the weekend after Thanksgiving...The 6.5ft ceilings made it really warm and by Christmas day, the tree had very little needles left on it... With all that being said, since our conversation of a few weeks ago, I have tried not to turn the lights on too long and am making sure the tree has water.... especially today, I HEARD what you said, and will be celebrating the entire season...The tree will stay up perhaps I will even try to keep it up till the Epiphany.... wouldn't that be a shocker?!!!!

Blessed are you, O Lord our God, ruler of the universe.  Your prophets spoke of a day when the desert would blossom and waters would break forth in the wilderness. Bless us as we light the candles on this wreath.  Strengthen our hearts as we prepare for the coming of the Lord.  May he give water to all who thirst, for he is our light and our salvation.  Blessed be God forever.
Amen

12.15.12

I can stand up in front of 30 kids all day with nothing but a sheet of paper and be ok... but standing up in front of a church full of people... and read a simple prayer.. EEEHHH not so much!  When I agreed to light the Advent Wreath... I did not realize we would also read a prayer.. then  I said ok.. Jordan will read.. yeah NO, Jordan stated he was lighting the candles ( probably a better idea anyway to let him do what he is used to doing) and that Mackenzie and I would be responsible for the prayer... LOVELY. I taught Mackenzie some of it so she could get up there "and talk into the microphone" as she told everyone today...  There are many people who are AWESOME and it seems like they do not have any issues.. Pastor Mary is one the greatest public speakers I know.... I as my friend said tonight.. I need confidence...  or to run and HIDE.... I wish Mackenzie could read!!!

OK Holy Spirit working here... as I typed this... Pastor Mary text'd me back about something else... really those who do not believe... let me tell you a few stories on how really amazing the Holy Spirit is...

When some things were going on this past year.. I would receive e-mails from Pastor Mary or Morning Whispers with exact messages of things that were needed at that VERY moment (pulling into a place), my friend was asked to sing at a memorial service the day before (on a day she normally works the morning) her morning was cancelled the exact same day they called and asked her to sing.... really.... 

I know that especially right now there are people who are angry with God... I spent the better part of 25 years angry with God or blaming God for my mother's death.  On and off for years, I tried to accept her death and stop blaming, but until this year, until it was actually explained to me in a way that I could understand it... I wasn't seeing that God does not allow bad things to happen... we have free will, bad things happen, but God is always here for us to talk to and to help us when they do happen.   

It is upsetting to read posts on FB or to listen to people on the news ... I pray that those who do not know things, do not say things and those who need help seek it.... May we all spend a little more time lending a hand.. as we continue to deal with Sandy and now the Sandy Hook tragedy as well...  Check this out....May help...
http://www.holytrinity-elca.org/index.php/worship/sermons/99-wilderness-johns-and-ours-december-8-9-2012?fb_action_ids=4127344382485&fb_action_types=og.likes&fb_source=aggregation&fb_aggregation_id=288381481237582

12.14.12

As we all come home to our loved ones, every parent for whom can is hugging their children a little tighter and for longer.  I know many people will be looking for answers on how this could happen.  Some may question whether there is a God, whom "would allow this to happen" and whether or not in times like this we can really forgive?  The truth of the matter as I see it, we need to learn to forgive and I do believe there is a God not who "allowed" this to happen but who is here for all those who question the tragic events.  Things like this happen for many reasons, because people are sick and desperate.  There are many victims, their families, the community and all those who must look a child in the eyes tonight and try to explain this while trying to help them to feel safe when they go back to school on Monday.  

I am so blessed to have my children here with me and am grateful to have the opportunity to be their mom.  People posted on facebook to place a single candle rather than Christmas lights on tonight.. I agree with that and believe that as we go into these next few weeks of celebrations, we help each other to deal with what will continue to be an emotional time.  Yesterday, I posted what Pastor Mary said during mid-week service.. it is that appropriate that we continue to hear it.... therefore, I am re-posting it:

Basically the message is about God's tender mercies….  God's power to call forth dawn from the darkest night (through Jesus' birth, life, death and resurrection then, and in a thousand ways in our lives now)  and the reminder that the valley of the shadow of death is a stop along the Way, and never our final destination. Those who sit there, paralyzed by grief or overcome by trauma, are energized to rise and continue on the journey by the Holy Spirit:  "the dawn from on high will break upon us, to shine on those who sit in darkness and the shadow of death, and to guide our feet into the way of peace."  Peace be with you! 

12.13.12

After yesterday morning I really did not think I could feel any better than I did.... until I received emails first thing this morning... feedback from two very sweet women (with whom I have the utmost respect and admiration for) about my blog..  which then also included  the words that helped me to finally snap out of it.. It is a real blessing and I am so grateful.  Everyone should be so lucky to have heard these words: "Basically the message is about God's tender mercies... God's power to call forth dawn from the darkest night (through Jesus' birth, life, death and resurrection then, and in a thousand ways in our lives now) …. and the reminder that the valley of the shadow of death is a stop along the Way, and never our final destination. Those who sit there, paralyzed by grief or overcome by trauma, are energized to rise and continue on the journey by the Holy Spirit: "the dawn from on high will break upon us, to shine on those who sit in darkness and the shadow of death, and to guide our feet into the way of peace." Peace be with you! -PM 12.12.12
May this Friday, we all find fabulous!!!

12.12.12

Today the buzz was all about 12.12.12... Yes, it is an amazing day as it will not happen again in our lifetime.   However, for me the amazing thing about this day, was the feeling I had first thing this morning.  It is an awesome feeling to walk in somewhere and feel you are at "home"... when I hear the song by Phillip Phillips, I immediately think of how I feel and my connection at Holy Trinity... I felt that once again today.  I thought a lot this past week about the internal struggles and things that were said and realized in any family, there will always be family members who once in awhile say or do things that we choose to react about.  In this case, I have to remember that I am in a new family, there will be times when I do need to take a step back and then there will be times when I need to just let things go... And that God is right there telling me to GET UP!!!!  Someone once said if you sit in church and you feel like the Pastor 's (priest, whomever) Sermon is speaking directly to you, then you know just how good they are. Many times I have felt this, however, after this morning, I really hold that statement to be true.  I was sitting on every word and really at the end, all I could say was thank you.  It was a really GREAT way to start my day and this evening was an awesome way to end my day.  So tonight I am grateful to our Lord for giving me these opportunities and to Carol who makes my attendance in these events all possible.  Thank you for this Wondrous Wednesday and may tomorrow you trip into a terrific Thankful Thursday... Remember tomorrow a message from the Benedictus....

In the tender compassion of our God
the dawn from on high shall break upon us,
to shine on those who dwell in darkness and the shadow of death,
and to guide our feet into the way of peace. 

12.11.12

Last night I had a discussion with a very good friend.  She questioned the point of the blog, as I was trying to explain it.. I realized that I have gotten away from the reason I started this in the first place.  Perhaps that is part of why I have been in a funk for a few days.  I started this blog as a Daily reminder of the things I am Grateful to have in my life.
I am still sending messages to people daily as a reminder of good things, this morning a rainbow appeared as I was sending some messages... I am grateful for the reminder from God... and I just need to remind myself of this:

Psalm 91

¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.^[a]
2 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

³ Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.

⁹ If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
¹⁰ no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ “Because he^[b] loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

May tomorrow morning as I start my day in a way I always felt peace, I once again embrace and feel it.   May we all remember that there are choices in life and we are the ones who are making them.... We can choose to live in a manner that will make us happy and glorify God's name!  Wink as the day awakens for it is a wonderful gift, wish you a wondrous Wednesday!!!

12.9.12

Today marks the day my very good friend became an orphan.  As I went to bed last night (today) I thought about what she would be feeling.. and I know that i do not know nor could I know.  I have chosen to proclaim the title of orphan when in reality I am a motherless mother.  To my dearest  friend, I know that both your mom and dad are looking down upon you and your famly with the biggest smiles of utmost pride.  I believe they are enjoying life together in a place where no one has to worry about her driving.... Wishing you a fond memory and a happy heart for they are together and not suffering.
When I think about all that my friend has accomplished and how wonderful she is, I think about the grace and courage she exhibits on a daily basis....
I woke up this morning and did not want to have the conversation , but I did. I was direct and to the point and although the person does not recall the conversation, I felt a little better knowing I said what I needed to say.  However, the cold damp weather and the knowledge that I would run into several people this morning, really made it difficult to want more than to stay in bed.  I did go and am grateful.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

This afternoon, the children and I will go listen to our friend and the rest of the Chamber singers.  I am sure it will be lovely music.  May you have an enjoyable Spiritual Sunday and may you have a marvelous Monday.  

12.8.12

I am grateful for the lessons in life that are not easy.  Yes, I am.  I understand that when things come to us easily, we may not learn the entire lesson, however, when one struggles with something... there is more of an investment in gaining the lesson.
As my last post stated, I have not been able to shake the feelings I had for someone with whom, I respected (since the Nov. 16th conversation) and as I was having a conversation with a wonderful woman at the holiday party (she reads my blog)  regarding the situation.  She made the point that I either speak to the person or let it go.  Since "letting it go", has not worked.. it's time I let the person know how I feel.  I emailed the person requesting that we speak, I know what I want to say, I just need to not chicken out.
I am not good at these conversations, which is why when someone confronted me at the party about how she knew of me prior to attending Holy Trinity and the connection is not really a good one, I just sat there allowing the conversation rather than speaking up and reminding her that we were at a holiday party and perhaps dredging up someone's past,... not a wonderful thing?  Or having enough courage to tell people not to discuss other personal things there either... instead it was easier to drink scotch! Sometimes, going outside that comfort zone, is not always a good thing.  I am really not sure going to the Christmas party this year was the right thing, but I did it.. and yes, I am proud of myself for going and for actually leaving the door and speaking to people... I am really grateful to JJ, Joan, Cyn and Mae for hosting, Cindy, who brought me, and to Pastor Beth for the great advice... there were fun parts and I am grateful for them.
If I cannot deal with the situation tomorrow and feel that it is resolved, my life and the children's future will change dramatically.... I pray that tomorrow I will have the courage to follow through with my intentions and to allow myself to stand up and speak on my own behalf.  May tomorrow we all seek the serenity of spiritual Sunday.

12.6.12

A little while ago I posted ".I had a conversation with someone today and this person decided to talk to me in a manner that I felt uncomfortable.  The conversation turned into a venting session on how some people do not like change and then continued to talk to me about this person's boss whom I would say I have a connection.  I did not stop this person from speaking, but I did not join in, I simply allowed the conversation.... "  

I need to figure out what to do, as it is starting to affect how I do things and I am beginning to not want to be around the person who said this and when I see the person in which it was said about,  i want to say something.  It is not a good feeling, I do not want it to continue to be on my brain.  I am beginning to not want this relationship and if I dissolve it (like I normally do), My children and I will suffer.  

I really need guidance and as much as I am looking for it, I am not seeing how God wants me to handle this.  

Create in me a clean heart O God: 

    and renew a right spirit within me. 

Do not cast me away from your presence: 
    do not take your holy spirit from me. 

Give me the joy of your help again: 
    and strengthen me with a willing spirit. 

Then will I teach transgressors your ways: 
    and sinners will turn to you again. 
- Psalm 51:10-13

Forgiveness- The action or process of forgiving or being forgiven. As a person of Faith I believe that we are all sinners and are still loved.  I believe that we ask for forgiveness and  our transgressions are forgiven.  So why don't I easily forgive? 

Many months ago a very wise woman told me that you do not need the other person in your life in order to forgive them, unless you want to save the relationship.  

Tonight when I was worried about a friend, I left the table.  Mackenzie decided to finger paint with mustard on the white wall in the kitchen.  I was not calm, I yelled, and I asked the stupidest question I know... "why did you put mustard on the wall?"  To which I heard " Mommy, I did NOT do that!"  I understand this is the age for lying... .I wish  I was back on the retreat (okay minus all the silence).... 

I was reminded tonight by that same VERY wise person that "mustard isn't very forgiving, but hopefully you'll be!"... I heard it and I did tell Mackenzie that I want her to know that I forgive her.....  To think about tomorrow and what forgiveness means "December 7, 1941—a date which will live in infamy—the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan".-FDR

It is all of this that makes me want to be even more thankful to our Heavenly Father for I understand His Greatness is more than any of us fully understand.  May tomorrow as we awaken in the morning light we take time to reflect on the history, and be even more thankful to those with whom we have lost in the name of freedom.  Thank you to all those serving and their families with whom I have the deepest respect and admiration, May God Bless and Protect you all.  

Amen

12.5.12

Thanks Be to God!!!  

Sometimes a picture is worth more than words....

If not one, two!!

12.4.12

I am so blessed and so grateful for friends... Tonight was a difficult evening and being overly emotional, didn't help... Experiencing things for the first time as a new family with the kids sometimes is difficult.  I thought it was alright when we found a tree in less than 15 minutes.  then things got "hairy"... after the OLD tree stand didn't work, I bought a new one... after I couldn't turn those screws...I started to feel the "single mom ughhhs!!!" As I prepared for work in the morning, made dinner, did wash and tried to screw the base in.... I had that moment of .. NOW I get why so many people pull out an artificial tree all ready in a box... Till my awesome neighbors came to save the day and we do have our tree up....
We got to enjoy listening to Christmas music and putting up OUR ornaments... bitter sweet we all felt it.  
Mackenzie kept asking, "Does.... have a tree up? How about.....? I remember the excitement of putting up a tree and I am glad I was able to give it to them...
Dear Heavenly Father,
May we all remember the happiness that the holidays bring to our children... and live through their joy during this stressful time.... May we all find a way to Glorify Your name and remember what this season is about....
Amen

12.3.12

I am so thankful to the cats that kept me up last night, to the freezer door left open all night, and to the other road blocks thrown my way today... I knocked em out of and not only had an awesome day as a sub.. I am READY for bed NOW...  and perhaps will actually be in bed before midnight tonight...

Last night I posted the picture and asked you to tell me what you see.... here is the story behind it... I was thinking of my mom and I when I opened my eyes.. I saw a woman in the middle holding a baby.   there are other faces that I also see and others have pointed them out as well.. The question stands why did I choose to sit in that chair for that group... and why I chose to close my eyes at that point of discussion and think of my mom and then open my eyes looking down at the floor..... is it all by chance? or was this the work of the Holy Spirit?
As we go through our daily lives we can choose to believe that there are signs all around us....  May tomorrow be a Terrific Tuesday for one and all....

12.2.12

There are two things I know for sure... as I typed this I immediately thought of the song "Butterfly Kisses"... However, I am not reciting lyrics... Instead : 1. I CAN do things that are outside my comfort zone and 2. I still need A LOT of work on dealing with silence!!! Or the put your phone down.. I'm proud I didn't really go online too much...

Before the retreat, I was going through the motions of life, the foundation of everything was fear.  I did what I needed to do..... but mostly I would see the train coming from the next town and begin to slow down prior to getting near the tracks.... not because the train is here, but because I know it's coming...  Likewise once I make up my mind, it's set.. I dive into the pool without looking at how deep the water is.  

Just going to the retreat (especially after receiving some pretty strong guilt trips from my children) to sitting in a car with four women (three of which I did not know) to playing ping pong in front of people, to talking to women my own age, to sitting at different spots (away from the people I knew) both at meals and during groups, to walking in a cemetery looking for someone specific (for an hour and half).. to eating three meals a day (plus desserts) to eating different food that normally I would just skip a meal rather than trying, these are only some of the amazing things, I did this weekend.

Although when everyone else went to bed and I was forced into silence... Eeehh not so enjoyable :-) It was a lot of getting to know many new people (and getting to know more in depth the people I have come to admire and have a profound respect)  and to really understand what I need to do for this year.  Last year, was the year of change and this year, it's the year of adapting.  I have always known things but now I was forced to see what it is doing to me... and how I take myself for granted.

I was especially grateful to Pastor Beth for running the retreat.  Yes, it was so sad to hear the original leader could not lead us, because of Sandy.  However, it provided an opportunity for Pastor Beth to lead us and for Pastor Mary the time she needed to rest. It was really good to hear another female Lutheran Pastor and to get to know them both in a way that only this could provide. Pastor Beth gave many great questions to explore and reflect on.  The interaction with many woman was a real honor and blessing.  There was one woman whom was paired with me for the lovely questions that were uncomfortable to say the least.. She did not like that I could not come up with two things (positives) I finally said strength and then she wanted to know what others might say about me.. I said someone just said I went through this past year with Grace and quickly I stated, I did not agree with that tho.  She really was sweet but pretty direct about not living my life in this manner.. and yes, I know this and yes, MANY people tell me this.. but sitting in the room and trying to "escape" wasn't there... I started to listen to it in my own voice then we were asked to think of one person in our life that we take for granted and the one thing they give... Well it became VERY clear that I take myself for granted.  I can give myself a truly happy life, if I stop being my own obstacle.  

Another conversation consisted of thinking of the person in your family with the most influence... I could not think about this with anyone else... and we did not "have" to... (I was really happy about this).  So instead of turning and talking to someone, I closed my eyes and put my head down.  I really could not pick any ONE person.. I know that the event of my mother's death was an influence, but MANY people have influenced me in a positive and negative matter...  This made me think of my mom.  I started to just think about her and miss her.  I began to hear more talking and so I opened my eyes and while I was staring down at the floor, I saw this...... 
What do you see????  *I will post tomorrow my response..

Last night, we watched "Pay it Forward", many people do not know what it means... the concept is if someone does something nice for you, you then in turn help three people... I cried all through the movie (and I have seen it) and left before the ending.  This morning during peace the same person from earlier came to me and said "I hope I did not upset you".. I said NO, but I should tell you... I needed to hear it.. because I finally listened to it.  I left this retreat feeling I finally am ready to embrace myself.. and I am PROUD of me.

Wishing you all a Marvelous Monday!  Tomorrow I continue the going outside the box and I accepted a job at a school (I am not even sure I know how to get there)... but I can do it and am excited!!!!