When your a child, we learn who will take care of you and who will dissapoint you. Some do not intend to, but do let you down. I feel I had both in my life. I was young, there were things I needed. People tried but it really never happened. Now today people want to and I am not receptive to it. I have been asked to think about this and to write it down.
My father was in my life for 26 years and although he was a father, I would not say he was ever a dad. There are many times dissapointment came with each interaction. And Although I had my mom till I was ten, there seems to be a nurturing void. I cannot remember for sure when her illness started, I have small recallection of incidents as young as six of her not being able to do things because she was too sick. I do not doubt she loved us, but from stories, I do not feel she was overly nurturing. Relatives or friends tried and as I entered school, my teachers started caring for me. After my mom died, the closeness towards others over family was there even more. Whatever attention I needed, they tried to give me. Many of which I dreamed would adopt me. Dissapointment when reality would set in. Today, they are still very important to me.
My father's desire to be married and have someone in our lives non stop did not help to fill the void, it only caused bigger voids. As more people came in more left. Each time it just kept making the void larger. Wanting to please was soon replaced with defiance. Then it was easier to please "myself". I took care of me because no one else was going to be able to.
II knew the feelings I always had but felt I couldn't really be me. I went into a relationship knowing it wasn't fulfilling. I heard for many years that I was not capable of many things loving and caring for others was one of them. I believed that for many years. Even questioning the love I express to my children. I know people say I am loving and caring. But it is difficult sometimes to feel like Im nurturing enough. I had to think long and hard about the love I feel in my relationships to make sure it was not me just trying to fill that void... It was recently that I found I can be me and that I am more than capable of expressing this with someone I am not only friends with but in love with.
It is more than that, it is a love that is truer than any other I have experienced, It is real.
When I was asked to describe myself, beyond overall sensitive- I couldnt. I wanted to run. I started to talk later about what it feels like to allow someone in and to accept help. It is so uncomfortable to not only think about it, but to really allow it is so difficult. I promised to not only think but to really try because I do care about us.
May we all sleep well tonight and remember to thank the veterans for the chance to sleep with both eyes shut.
Amen
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